Miles to Go: Nine

[wishiknewwho]

Title: Miles to Go
Author: wishiknewwho
Rating: PG (for now)
Warning: AF for Angst that Will be Fixed (Seriously, parts of this are gonna make Both look like fluff)
Characters: Ten / Rose, OC
Dislcaimer: I don't own Doctor Who and it's probably just as well that I don't because it'd be nothing but hugs and hair ruffling for the foreseeable future.
Spoilers: None really. This is set before Doomsday even.
Summary: And it's all here for you, as long as you choose to stay. It's all here for you, as long as you don't fly away.
Author Notes: This story is the result of many things, but primarily too many rotations of the Death Cab for Cutie album Narrow Stairs, an album about the claustrophobia of growing up and the comfort of giving in, at least to me anyway. All song lyrics are from there.

This chapter is dedicated to salimali and electrictoes, who are so much more than just betas for this story. They are its champions. Both of them were with me (electronically) as I wrote this, and both convinced me that it worked. Thank you so much!
The lovely icon and banner were created by corusca, who has a ficlet coming her way soon.

 

With the things that could’ve been all repressed

“Cath”

 

Rose closed the door behind them and looked around the quiet flat. Sundays were usually busy: she’d clean the flat and urge Kira to straighten her room. She’d do some paperwork and Kira would read her stories for school and then tinker on one of her projects. They’d end the evening with a takeaway and telly. She’d never particularly thought of their Sundays as exciting or fun, but with Kira gone, the day stretched out in front of her, promising nothing but loneliness.

 

She cursed herself for not just swallowing her pride and going with them. Kira was taking her first real trip off planet, going to step out on some alien world, and she was missing it, and all for what? So she could show the Doctor how angry she was? So she could prove to him that she wasn’t affected by him?

 

She tried to imagine what they were doing. As hurt and jealous as she was, she hoped they were having a good day, for Kira’s sake. She knew that she would likely come back full of stories of Bestring VII and its magical pink sky. She told herself then and there that she would smile and listen and make the appropriate comments. She wouldn’t ruin it for Kira, no matter how much she was hurting.

 

She went into her bedroom and began to straighten up, making the bed and putting some of her clothes in the laundry basket. The mobile phone he’d given her sat on her nightstand, taunting her. It would be so easy to call him. They’d come right back and she could go with them.

 

But no, she couldn’t do that. If she let herself spend too much time with him, she’d start to fall for him again. She’d let herself trust him and then let him back into her life. It was a slippery slope that she wasn’t willing to go down. She had to protect herself from him, that much she knew. She couldn’t let him hurt her again. And if that meant distancing herself from him, then that is what she would do.

 

She sighed. She didn’t want to be alone. She called her mother. Jackie needed to know what had happened, anyway.

 

“Hi, sweetheart,” Jackie said cheerfully. 

 

“Mum?” she said, her voice breaking. 

 

“What is it?” Jackie asked. “Is something wrong, sweetheart?”

 

Rose sank to the bed, something about the concern in her mother’s voice did her in and the tears began to flow. “Everything’s okay,” she managed to get out. “I just need you to come over. Can you come over?” She would’ve gone to her mother’s flat, but she didn’t think she could pull herself together enough to go out in public.

 

“Of course,” Jackie said. “Are you sure everything is okay? Is Kira all right?”

 

Rose rubbed at her eyes, trying to stop the tears, but it was no use. “She’s fine, Mum.”

 

“Okay,” Jackie said. “I’ll be right over.”

 

Rose nodded even though Jackie couldn’t see her and hung up the phone. She lay back on the bed and cried, trying to get it all out of her system before Jackie got there. 

 

She must have fallen asleep, because she was jerked awake by the beeping of her mobile. She pressed a hand to her head, blinking against the piercing headache and the nausea she felt from being awakened. She answered her phone.

 

“Rose?” Jackie sounded frantic.

 

“Yeah?” she answered, her voice hoarse.

 

“Rose, I’ve been knocking on your door for almost five minutes. What are you doing?”

 

Rose pushed herself up to sitting, then standing. Her legs felt wobbly underneath her, but she didn’t think she’d fall. “I’m coming,” she said, hanging up the phone.

 

She made her way slowly to the door and opened it. 

 

Jackie stood there looking worried and afraid. “Rose?” she asked.

 

“Mum,” she said, and although she thought she’d cried herself out, as soon as she saw her mother the tears let go again.

 

“Oh, Rose,” Jackie said, stepping inside the flat and wrapping her arms around her. “What’s got you so upset, sweetheart?”

 

Rose tried to talk, but all that came out were a couple of gasps. Jackie just sighed and pushed the door closed, then led her through to the living room. She sat her down on the sofa then sat next to her, wrapping her arms around her and rocking her back and forth softly. Rose was reminded of doing the exact same thing with Kira when she had a bad dream. And just like Kira, she held on with everything she had and cried.

 

She wasn’t sure how long they sat there, but once her sobs had died down to quiet whimpers, Jackie finally pulled away from her and wiped the tears from her cheeks.

 

“Are you ready to talk about it yet, sweetheart?” she asked.

 

Rose nodded. She knew that she had to get herself together. Kira would be back soon and there was no way she could see her like this. If Kira knew she was this upset, she was likely to decide not to see the Doctor again and she couldn’t let her daughter give up her happiness just because she couldn’t get over the man who left her.

 

“How about I make us a cuppa,” Jackie said, and it wasn’t a question. Jackie was being just what she needed, sensible and caring. “You go to the bathroom and get freshened up.”

 

Rose watched Jackie as she headed off to the kitchen, then got herself up and went to the bathroom. She avoided looking at herself in the mirror altogether, but washed the makeup off her face and ran a brush through her tangled hair. She decided that she felt a little bit better. She went back out and found her mother in the kitchen. 

 

Jackie was just stirring the sugar into the tea. “There you are. I’ve got your tea ready for you. Let’s have it at the table.”

 

Rose followed Jackie to the table, glad that she was making all the decisions. She didn’t think she was up for even the simplest choice right now. As soon as she sat down, Jackie pushed the warm mug of tea into her hands and she took a long sip.

 

“That’s better,” Jackie said. “You’re getting some of the colour back in your cheeks at least. Now, will you tell me what’s going on? Where’s Kira?”

 

“He came back,” Rose whispered, taking another, smaller, sip of her tea.

 

Jackie’s eyes widened and she sat down her own mug, the ceramic chinking against the wooden table. “The Doctor?”

 

Rose nodded. 

 

“When?” Jackie asked. “How?”

 

Rose took a deep breath. “A couple of nights ago.” She was about to go on when Jackie interrupted her.

 

“What? You mean he’s been back for a couple of days and you didn’t think to call me?” Her voice was angry, but Rose knew that she was just trying to deal with what all of this would mean.

 

“I...I didn’t know what to say. It all happened so fast and then Kira found out who he was and I didn’t know what to do.” It seemed like once she got started, she couldn’t stop. “She was so upset and he...he wants to see her. He saved us and now he wants to be a part of her life.”

 

Jackie put a hand on her arm, stilling her. “Slow down. Start at the beginning and tell me what happened.”

 

Rose closed her eyes for a moment, willing her mind to slow down. She replayed the events of the past couple of days slowly. One thing at a time, that’s what Jackie wanted. “The TARDIS landed out on the street. Kira saw it, and woke me up. Someone knocked on the door. I thought it was him. Oh God, Mum, I opened the door and it wasn’t. It was this, this man, looking for Kira. There was a prophecy about her.”

 

“What?” Jackie gasped, putting a hand to her mouth.

 

Rose took a shaky breath and went on. “I fought him off, told Kira to run. She got to the TARDIS. The Doctor came up here, and the man left. I was hurt. He took me back to his ship. He’s decided that he wants to be a part of Kira’s life. And she loves him already. I’m going to lose her, Mum.” She felt like crying again, but there were no tears left, thankfully.   

 

“Is that where Kira is now?” Jackie asked softly. “With him?”

 

Rose nodded. “She wanted to see him and I couldn’t tell her no. They get along great, the two of them.”

 

“When’s she coming back?” Jackie asked.

 

“Sometime this evening,” Rose said. “He’s going to see her on Sundays. It’s like we’ve got bloody joint custody.”

 

Jackie shook her head. “The moment I see him, I’m giving him a slap. Maybe two.”

 

Rose choked out a laugh. “Oh, Mum.”

 

“What?” Jackie asked, putting her hands up. “I didn’t slap him enough when he was around for it.”

 

Rose just stared at her tea, tilting her mug and watching the brown liquid tip to the side.

 

“What about the two of you?” Jackie asked hesitantly. “Why aren’t you with them?” 

 

Rose gave a little shrug and then took a sip of her tea. Already it was growing cold. She kept silent.

 

After a few moments, Jackie went on. “You’re not going to answer me?”

 

She let out a long sigh. “I don’t know what he wants. He’s been talking about being back in Kira’s life, but he’s said nothing about what he wants from me. Besides, I can’t take him back.”

 

“Why not?” Jackie asked. “Just a few days ago you were going on about how you couldn’t get over him.”

 

“It’s not like that, though, Mum,” Rose said. “I mean, of course, he’s still the one I...” Her voice dropped off and she took a breath before going on. “Of course I do. But, he might leave again.”

 

“Oh, sweetheart,” Jackie said, reaching out and putting her hand over Rose’s. “Give it some time.”

 

Rose nodded. “I’m so afraid I’m going to lose her.”

 

Jackie’s grip on her hand tightened. “To him?” she asked, a note of disbelief in her voice.

 

“Yes, to him,” Rose said, tracing a finger around the rim of her mug. “You haven’t seen the two of them together. They get along so well. And he can offer her everything. The whole universe. I have nothing.”

 

Jackie frowned at her. “You must be joking, Rose. You’re her mum. More than that. The two of you are best friends and you’re a great mum to her. He might have all of space with that ship of his, but a little girl always needs her mum.”

 

Rose gave another little shrug. “Nothing was supposed to be this way. It was supposed to be me and him on the TARDIS, saving the universe. And I wouldn’t trade Kira for anything, but this isn’t how I thought my life would turn out. Stuck in a flat and with a boring job that doesn’t matter.”

 

Jackie put her hand under Rose’s chin and tilted her face up. “You’re life isn’t over yet, sweetheart. Nothing’s been decided. And I might hate the Doctor for what he did to you and Kira, but I will say one thing for him. That man loves you, whether he knows it or not. I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay away from you forever.”

 

Rose met her mother’s eye and saw the steely resignation there. “How do you know that?”

 

Jackie softened. “Oh, anyone can see it. When you’re in the room, it’s like the whole universe has slowed down and all he can see is you.”

 

The words stunned her. She’d never heard her mother talk about the Doctor that way. She didn’t think Jackie even knew there was anything between the two of them until she had told her mother that she was pregnant and that the baby was his. Still, all of that was in the past, before he’d left her. Jackie hadn’t seen him since he’d been back. She shook her head. “I can’t deal with this right now, Mum,” she said. “I’ve got Kira to worry about now.”

 

Jackie took a sip of her tea. “You need to think about yourself, too. How about we go out for a while, do a little shopping? It’ll help to pass the time.”

 

Rose shook her head again. “I can’t leave. What if they come back early? What if Kira needs me?”

 

Jackie quietened her with a hand on her arm. “She’s going to be fine, Rose. Come on, it’ll do you good to get out of this flat.”

 

Rose finally relented and got up. “Where should we go?” she asked half-heartedly.

 

Jackie linked her arm through Rose’s and pulled her towards the door. “Wherever you want. It doesn’t matter, as long it’s not here.”

 

~o~

 

Rose returned to her flat a couple of hours later carrying a handful of bags and feeling marginally better. She’d spent most of her time shopping buying some winter clothes for Kira, and it made her feel needed. Jackie had been a lifesaver, keeping the conversation going and focusing on topics that kept her mind from wandering to Kira and the Doctor and what they were doing.

 

The flat was still quiet and the sun was beginning to set. They should be back soon. She flicked on a couple of lights and went to make Kira’s tea. She was just setting the toast on the plates when she heard the knock at the door. She dropped what she was doing and went to open it. Moments later, she had her arms full of Kira and she lifted her and hugged her to her.

 

“Mum” she said, burying her face in Rose’s neck.

 

Rose held her tightly. “Hi, love.” At least it seemed that Kira had missed her, still needed her for something. Kira pulled back and Rose gave her a quick kiss, then looked to the Doctor. 

 

He was standing in the doorway, hands in his pockets, looking a little uncomfortable. “Hello,” he said quietly, rocking back on his heels.

 

“Hey,” she whispered. She turned back to Kira. “Did you have fun?”

 

Kira turned back to the Doctor and Rose saw a look pass between them.

 

“Kira,” she prompted, a note of suspicion working its way into her voice. “Doctor.”

 

The Doctor toed his trainer against the ground for a moment then met her eye. “We had a great time. Bestring VII was lovely.”

 

Kira nodded. “I liked it a lot. And look, he made me my sonic screwdriver.” She pulled the sonic from her pocket so Rose could see.

 

Rose narrowed her eyes at them and tried to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach as she admired the screwdriver. She’d expected them to come back with story after story, but this was even worse: they had a secret. Both of them gave her false smiles and she decided to let it drop, for a while at least. Likely they’d gotten into trouble and were scared to tell her about it.

 

“Are you hungry?” she asked Kira. “I’ve almost got your tea done.”

 

Kira nodded. “Starving.” She wriggled and Rose set her down.

 

Rose turned to the Doctor. He stood there for a moment, then gave a quick nod. “Right. I’d best be off. See you next Sunday?”

 

Kira was halfway to the kitchen, but she turned around at his words. “Couldn’t you stay just a little while longer? He could have tea with us, right Mum?” She looked up at Rose with pleading brown eyes.

 

Rose hesitated for a moment. She wanted nothing more than for her and Kira to have a quiet evening, alone. The day had been traumatic enough for her already. But she couldn’t say no when Kira was looking at her like that. “Sure, if he wants to.” She forced a smile.

 

“I’d love to,” he beamed, stepping into the flat and pushing the door closed behind him. “What are we having?”

 

Kira ran to the kitchen. “It’s spaghetti hoops on toast. My favourite.”

 

“Mine, too,” he said, giving Rose a disconcerting smile as he headed for the kitchen.

 

She stayed in the hallway for a moment, getting herself together, before she joined them. She could do this. It was just tea. She had to get used to him being around if he was going to be a part of Kira’s life.

 

She went into the kitchen. Kira had climbed up onto the work surface and was rummaging around in the cabinets. 

 

“We might need to make more spaghetti hoops,” she said.

 

Rose pulled her down. “You know you’re not supposed to be up there,” she scolded, shooing her over to the table. She grabbed the can of spaghetti hoops and set about opening them. The Doctor was already sitting at the table, Kira prattling to him about something that had happened at school, but she could feel his eyes on her back. He made her nervous and even the simple task that she performed at least a few nights a week became a challenge. She finally got the can open and dumped the contents into a bowl. She took the other bowl out of the microwave and put the new one in. She dropped a couple more slices of bread in the toaster and spooned the warm spaghetti hoops onto Kira’s toast.

 

She finally turned around, her eyes moving to the Doctor, and she noticed that his eyes shifted quickly. “Here you go,” she said, sitting the plate down in front of Kira. 

 

“Thank you,” Kira said, looking up at her and smiling. Rose leaned down and kissed her forehead. She was so grateful that she’d made it home safe. 

 

Rose went back and got the spaghetti hoops out of the microwave, quickly spooned some on the two pieces of toast, and returned to the table, putting one of the plates in front of the Doctor and then took a seat next to Kira.

 

“Thank you, Rose,” he said, tucking in. She tried to ignore the way he said her name and what it did to her insides.

 

Both Kira and the Doctor ate quickly and she found herself wondering again what had happened. She wanted to ask them about it, but decided to wait until she had Kira alone. She knew that she could get her daughter to tell her without too much trouble.

 

The meal would have been a very awkward affair if it weren’t for Kira. She talked about everything that came into her head, obviously happy to have both of her parents at the table with her and oblivious to what was going on between the two of them. Rose and the Doctor both talked to Kira, but neither talked to the other. She carefully avoided looking at him.

 

Once they were through eating, she took up their plates and set them in the sink. The Doctor stood up, brushing his hands off on his trousers. “It’s late. I should be heading off now.”

 

“Wait,” Kira said. “You can tuck me in.”

 

Rose held in a little sigh. Kira was already struggling to hold onto him, just like she had tried years ago. She debated whether or not she should have a talk with her, to tell her not to expect too much from him. She hated to see her too disappointed.

 

To her surprise, though, he just smiled down at Kira and squeezed her shoulder. “Only if your mum says it’s okay.”

 

Rose found herself with two sets of brown eyes aimed at her, the only two sets of eyes she could never say no to. “Of course,” she said. “If you don’t mind waiting for her to get her bath.”

 

“Not at all,” he said. “Shall I wait in the living room?”

 

Rose nodded. “Come on, Kira.” She took Kira’s hand and pulled her toward the bathroom. She sat down on the closed toilet lid and stood Kira in front of her; she began to unwind Kira’s hair from its plaits.

 

“Mummy, I have a secret,” Kira blurted out. She turned to face her and her eyes were wide.

 

“What is it?” Rose asked, running her fingers through her daughter’s hair, admiring the curls the plaits had left. She thought she’d have to coax Kira to get the secret that had been running between the two of them, but it seemed it was going to be much easier than she thought.

 

“Please, please don’t blame Dad for this. We’re afraid that you won’t let us see each other again,” Kira pleaded, her voice solemn. “It was my fault and he did save us.” She waited.

 

Rose closed her eyes for a moment. She knew it was coming, knew that Kira would call him dad, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. She opened her eyes and nodded. She trusted him enough to know that he would keep Kira safe and wouldn’t take her somewhere where there was any real danger. “Go on.”

 

Kira took a deep breath. “Well, I said a bad word. Not a swear word, but a word that was bad on that planet. Pink.” She whispered the word, as if afraid something might happen for her saying it on Earth as well. “They put us in prison. But he got us out.” Her voice held a note of pride, the tone of those who’ve been through an adventure and lived to tell it, the tone her voice used to hold when she talked to her mother or Mickey.

 

Rose couldn’t help the small smile that played at her mouth. Of course they would get thrown in prison. She pulled Kira’s shirt off and gestured for her to finish getting undressed while she ran the bathwater.

 

“Mum?” Kira asked. “Are we in trouble?”

 

“Of course not, love,” Rose said, helping her to climb into the bathtub. “You’ll find that travelling with the Doctor often leads to trouble. But you’ll also find that he will do everything he can to keep you safe. He’s very good at that.” She felt her gaze shift as she thought of all the times he’d rescued her, all the times she’d rescued him, the times they’d saved each other.

 

“So I can still see him next Sunday?” Kira asked, her voice pulling Rose out of her reverie.

 

“Yes,” Rose said with a nod. “You can still see him.” Despite her misgivings, she thought that maybe the Doctor would be good for her quiet daughter; maybe he could bring her out of her shell, show her what the universe had to offer. She wondered if eventually, as time went by and he became a more regular fixture in their lives, if sharing Kira would hurt a little less and a little less, until Sundays were a routine that she did without thinking.

 

She lathered shampoo into Kira’s hair and scrubbed, washing the prison out, she thought with a smile. There was really no way of knowing what her daughter would come home looking like in the weeks to come.

 

She closed her eyes for a moment. She didn’t know if she was doing the right thing, didn’t know if they’d see him again after tonight. Maybe it was only a fleeting fancy, something he needed to get out of his system. Seeing Kira once might have been enough for him. He might not show back up for years.

 

She opened her eyes again and set to rinsing Kira’s hair. Once she finished, Kira washed off and Rose helped her out of the bath and into her pyjamas. She bundled up Kira’s clothes to take to the laundry basket while Kira brushed her teeth.

 

“Mum?” Kira asked around her toothbrush. “Do you mind if Dad tells me my story tonight? You could listen, too.”

 

Rose fingered the dirty clothes in her hands. “He tells good stories,” she said with a sad smile and ran her hand through Kira’s damp hair. “Good night.” She left the bathroom and deposited the clothes in the basket. She found him in the living room, staring intently at one of the photographs hanging on the wall. He heard her approach and turned, the look he gave her reminding her of the times she caught Kira sneaking a biscuit before supper.

 

“I was just...” He was flustered and a small part of her felt happy that she’d managed to fluster him. She didn’t want him feeling too comfortable in her home just yet. In fact, she wanted to tell him that, wanted to tell him that this was her flat, not his, and he couldn’t come in and just take over like he always did.

 

She didn’t say any of it, though, just pointed back to the bedrooms. “Kira should be in her room now. She wants you to tell her story. Don’t tell her anything too scary. She has nightmares sometimes.”

 

He nodded and slipped past her, just close enough that she felt the brush of his jacket and just barely caught his scent. It was enough to stop her in her tracks for a good couple of seconds. She shook her head and moved toward the kitchen, desperately in need of a glass of wine.

 

She poured herself a glass of red and took a long sip, revelling in the warmth of the liquid as it made its way down her throat. Even from the kitchen she could hear the excited timbre of his voice as he told Kira a story, his sentences punctuated by her exclamations. She’d have to tell him later that bedtime stories were usually supposed to settle the child, not stimulate her.

 

She took another sip of the wine. Then another. And another. She began to feel warmer and just a little lightheaded, and maybe it was just her imagination, but she didn’t hurt quite as much as she did before. She leaned against the work surface and listened to his voice, so rich and inviting. She didn’t want to admit it, but she could get used to having him here. Their flat was small, but it had always felt like it was missing something. Now that he was there, filling up the flat with his larger-than-life personality, it felt right. She pushed the thoughts from her mind with a shake of her head; she couldn’t let herself think like that. She had to keep herself at a distance. Besides, it wasn’t like he said anything about wanting her.

 

Her mind involuntarily drifted to the conversation she had with her mother earlier that day. Jackie had said that he was always in love with her, that she always knew he’d come back for her and Kira one day, would realise the mistake he’d made in leaving them.

 

She heard his voice taper off and then the click of Kira’s door closing. Moments later he was with her in the kitchen.

 

“She should be out for the night,” he said, his eyes not quite meeting hers. “We had quite an adventure today.”

 

“So I heard,” she said, taking another sip of the wine then refilling her glass.

 

“Rose,” he started, rubbing the back of his neck and his eyes lifting up to look at her. “It was nothing. A stupid mistake.”

 

She cut him off. “It’s okay. Really. I know you’ll take care of her.”

 

His relief was visible: his shoulders fell forward and his eyes closed for a moment. “I always will.”

 

She didn’t know why, but she believed him. Maybe it was because she couldn’t not believe him. She couldn’t fathom anyone meeting Kira and not immediately falling in love with her, and not wanting to make her happy.

 

She watched him for a moment, holding his gaze. He looked uncomfortable, but he didn’t move, just stayed peculiarly still as she stared. His eyes were large and dark, and he was looking at her with such sadness. She wondered if he felt sorry. She knew he was sorry about what he did to Kira, but what about what he did to her? Did he regret it? Did he still want her?

 

She didn’t know, but she wanted to find out. She made a decision. “Would you like some wine?” she asked.


Ten