Miles to Go: Eleven

[wishiknewwho]

Title: Miles to Go
Author: wishiknewwho
Rating: PG
Warning: AF for Angst that Will be Fixed (Seriously, parts of this are gonna make Both look like fluff)
Characters: Ten / Rose, OC
Dislcaimer: I don't own Doctor Who and it's probably just as well that I don't because it'd be nothing but hugs and hair ruffling for the foreseeable future.
Spoilers: None really. This is set before Doomsday even.
Summary: And it's all here for you, as long as you choose to stay. It's all here for you, as long as you don't fly away.
Author Notes: This story is the result of many things, but primarily too many rotations of the Death Cab for Cutie album Narrow Stairs, an album about the claustrophobia of growing up and the comfort of giving in, at least to me anyway. All song lyrics are from there.

Thanks to my betas extraordinaire, salimali and electrictoes.
The lovely icon and banner were made by corusca.

Like an embrace from mother’s arms

“No Sunlight”

 

Rose clutched the edge of her pillow tightly as she listened to him get dressed. She didn’t look at him, but she could feel his hesitation as he stood still, watching her for a moment before he left, clicking the door closed quietly behind him.

 

She let out a shaky breath as she strained to hear his footsteps down the hallway. She heard him stop at Kira’s door and go inside, but he left minutes later and then she heard the sound of the front door closing.

 

He was gone. She’d almost hoped that when she’d told him to leave that he would have refused, would have demanded that they have the argument they’d needed to have ever since he came back into her life. She wanted him to fight for her, not to give up so easily. She felt more confused than ever. She didn’t know if he wanted her, or if he just wanted Kira. Perhaps she was just something he needed to get out of his system.

 

She rolled over, laying her head where his had been. She could almost smell him on the pillow. She knew that she needed to get up, take a shower, and put something on, but she couldn’t make herself move, not just yet.

 

She couldn’t believe that she had actually seduced him. She really didn’t know what had possessed her. He just...he’d been there and he looked and smelled the same, so much better than her memories, and she’d not been able to resist. It had been so long, and there’d been no one since him, and she’d been so lonely. She had Kira, and Kira was her world, but she hadn’t been with anyone, hadn’t been touched, since the last time she saw him. When he’d come back into the kitchen, hair hanging in his eyes and shuffling his feet, so nervous around her, she just wanted him. She didn’t think, she’d just reacted.

 

He’d been so willing, taking her hints and kissing her like he’d missed her as much as she’d missed him. She’d started out wanting something fast, just to get it over with so she could get some closure and move on, but he’d been slow with her, taking his time and making it into something that it wasn’t. And she’d let him.

 

She kicked at the sheets, frustrated with herself and with him. Put them together long enough and they always managed to complicate things. But they couldn’t do that anymore. They had Kira to think of now, and they couldn’t let her get hurt. They had to keep things simple between them, and that meant absolutely no more sex.

 

Her mouth felt dry. She decided to get up and get some water and then get a shower. Then she could set about putting her life back together. She’d just pulled on a shirt when she heard Kira’s scream. She stiffened and her heart immediately began to race, adrenaline flooding her system. Was someone else in the flat? She’d trusted him when he said he’d fixed it; she should have known to question him more. 

 

She ran to Kira’s room, her feet not moving fast enough. The door was closed and she fumbled with the knob, trying to get it open. When she finally got inside, her eyes scanned the room, trying to find the danger.

 

All she saw was Kira, curled up into a tight ball, fingers gripping the blankets so hard her knuckles were white. She was crying in her sleep.

 

Rose was by her side in an instant, kneeling next to her on the bed. “Kira,” she said, passing a hand over Kira’s forehead and down her cheek. She was burning up.

 

Kira mumbled in her sleep and shook her head; she was obviously distressed.

 

Rose eased Kira’s fingers off the blankets and pulled her closer to her. “Come on, love, wake up,” she said, just a little louder. Kira’s fingers were icy cold and Rose rubbed them between her own hands to warm them up. 

 

Kira woke up then, sucking in a breath and her eyes going wide. She looked deathly afraid until she saw Rose. “Mummy?” she asked, as if she didn’t really believe it was her.

 

“Yes, Kira,” Rose said, still holding her hands. “It’s me.”

 

“Mummy,” Kira said again, her eyes filling up with tears. “You died.”

 

Rose pulled Kira to her, wrapping her arms around her tightly. “I didn’t die. I’m right here.”

 

Kira buried her face in Rose’s neck and cried, her little hands gripping at her shoulders.

 

“Shh,” Rose soothed. She hated when Kira had these spells, but all she could do was comfort her until it was over. “It was just a bad dream.” She pulled back a little and felt Kira’s forehead and cheeks again. She was still warm. She hoped she wasn’t getting ill.

 

Kira burrowed into her again, still crying. Rose rocked her for a moment, trying to get her to calm down. She combed her fingers through her hair. After several long minutes, Kira’s sobs subsided and except for a few shuddering sighs, she was quiet. Rose kissed the top of her head.

 

“I’m going to get you a flannel,” she said, shifting Kira off her lap.

 

Kira shook her head and hung on to her tightly, her fingers digging into Rose’s skin. “No,” she whispered fiercely.

 

Rose rubbed her back, feeling how sweaty she was through her pyjama top. “I’m not going anywhere. I just need to get something to cool you off.”

 

“Not yet,” Kira said, holding on tightly.

 

Rose sighed. “How about I take you with me?” she asked. She was getting worried. Kira was always bad after one of her nightmares, but she’d never seen her quite like this.

 

Kira nodded and loosened her grip, but she still refused to let go. Rose lifted her up and carried her across the hall to her bedroom and into her bathroom. Kira leaned heavily against her, resting her head on her shoulder. Once in the bathroom, Rose flicked on the light and set her on the closed lid of the toilet. Kira whimpered as she tried to move away from her.

 

Rose shushed her and squeezed her hand in hers for a moment. “I’m just going to get a flannel, love. You’ll be able to see me the whole time.” Kira reluctantly let go, and Rose bent down to find a flannel. She wet it with cool water from the tap then wrung it out. Kira had hugged her knees to her chest, but as soon as Rose moved back to her, she reached for her.

 

Rose picked her back up. It looked like she was in for a long night. She settled down with Kira on her bed, knowing that there was no way she was going back to her own bed that night. She pressed the cool flannel to Kira’s face for a few moments, and held her close. When Kira was cooler and calmer, she pulled back, just a little.

 

“Why don’t you tell me about your dream, love?” Rose asked.

 

Kira breathed in a shaky breath. “The man was there. The one who tried to hurt us. Only this time, he killed you. He...he had a knife. And there was blood everywhere.” She started crying again.

 

Rose felt tears sting her eyes. It wasn’t fair that Kira should have such awful dreams; she tried so hard, tried to shield her from anything violent, and yet she still had such graphic nightmares. Her little girl didn’t deserve that sort of anguish.   

 

“It was just a dream,” Rose said, cupping Kira’s cheek. “Just a dream. The Doctor took care of him. He made sure that he can’t hurt us ever again.”

 

Kira nodded. “I know. But it was so scary. I tried to help you, but I couldn’t.”

 

Rose pulled Kira to her, only allowing a few of her own tears to fall once she was sure Kira couldn’t see her. “It was just a dream,” she repeated. “Just a terrible dream. But it’s over now, and I’m here with you.”

 

“It looked so real,” Kira whispered, playing with Rose’s fingers.

 

Rose rocked her back and forth a couple of times and pressed the flannel back to her face and neck. “I know. That’s what dreams are like. You just have to tell yourself that it was just in your mind.”

 

Kira tilted her head and looked up at her. “Can I stay with you tonight?” Her little voice sounded timid, as if she was actually afraid Rose would say no.

 

“Of course,” Rose said. “You know that you can. Do you feel like you could go back to sleep yet?”

 

Kira shook her head. “I’m not tired,” she mumbled, but Rose could tell from the heavy look to her eyelids that she would be out soon.

 

“How about I tell you a story, then?” Rose asked, lying back on the bed and pulling Kira down to lie next to her. “Just to take your mind off of it. We can make a tent with the covers, yeah?”

 

“Can we really?” Kira asked. It was the first bit of life Rose had heard to her voice since she’d had the nightmare and she let out a little sigh of relief.

 

“Any story you want,” Rose promised. She ran her fingers through Kira’s hair.

 

“Wait,” Kira said, holding up a finger. “I need my sonic screwdriver.”

 

“What for?” Rose asked.

 

“In case there’s danger,” she said knowledgeably, and Rose had to suppress a smile.

 

“Do you want me to go and get it?” Rose asked.

 

She watched as a shadow passed over her daughter’s face. “I’d be here by myself,” she said, her voice small.

 

Rose pressed a kiss to Kira’s fingers and got up. “Come on, then. We’ll both go.” She held out her hand and Kira took it with a grateful little smile. She usually wouldn’t spoil her quite that much, but on a night like this, when she’d had such a violent nightmare, she’d let her have anything she wanted.

 

They made the trek to Kira’s bedroom, retrieved the sonic screwdriver, and then went back to Rose’s room. Rose pulled the sheet over their heads, securing it to the headboard and she and Kira snuggled down inside their makeshift tent.

 

“Have you thought of a story you’d like to hear?” Rose asked.

 

Kira tapped the sonic against her lips for a moment, thinking. “Yes,” she finally said. “I’d like a story about you and Daddy, back when you used to travel together. An adventure you had.”

 

Rose frowned, thinking back on her travels with the Doctor. Werewolves, Daleks, Cybermen, none of it sounded like it would be light enough for Kira right after she’d had a nightmare. “How about you tell me about what happened today?” She gave a little smile at the worried look on Kira’s face. “I’m not angry. I just want to hear about it.”

 

Kira shined her pink sonic light on the soft white sheet above them. “Well, it all started when I said the word pink. And then these aliens came and took us to prison. They even put handcuffs on me.” The look of incredulity on her face was amusing.

 

“No,” Rose said, feigning shock.

 

“Yes,” Kira nodded. “And they looked like teddy bears. Pink teddy bears.”

 

Rose listened as Kira finished her story. It sounded like they’d both been brilliant, figuring out how to get away from the aliens. She could just imagine the two of them, standing off against them. For the thousandth time that day, she wished she’d been there.

 

“Mum?” Kira asked when she had finished her story.

 

“Hmm?” Rose murmured, absently brushing her fingers over Kira’s hair.

 

“Daddy and I talked a lot while we were in prison,” Kira said. She turned over on her side so that she was facing Rose.

 

“What did you talk about?” Rose asked, turning over so she could face Kira. It still hurt so much to talk about him, to imagine him and Kira having this life together that she wouldn’t be a part of. Of course she’d still have Kira living with her, but there’d be these huge gaps of her life that she’d only know about second-hand.

 

“He said he was sorry,” Kira said, flicking the light back and forth in a zigzag pattern. “He said that it was a mistake. Leaving us.”

 

Rose tried to ignore the way her heart sped up at her daughter’s words. “What else did he say?” she asked, trying to keep her voice neutral.

 

Kira’s eyes met hers. “He cried,” she whispered, like she was divulging a secret.

 

Rose bit her lip for a moment. She’d never seen him cry before, not really. He’d been upset, but he’d never actually let go like that.

 

“Mummy?” Kira reached out to take her hand and Rose wrapped her fingers around Kira’s smaller ones.

 

“Yes?” Rose whispered.

 

“I want the three of us to be together,” Kira said. “Me, and you, and Daddy. I don’t want to see him just on Sundays. And I missed you when I was with Daddy today. I don’t want to always miss one of you.” Her lip quivered and a few tears trickled down her cheek.

 

Rose felt as if her heart would break if it wasn’t already broken. She tried to wipe away the tears that were coming, but it was no use. “I wish it could be that simple, love,” she said, “but this is grown up stuff and things don’t always work out the way we want them to.”

 

“But don’t you love Daddy?” Kira asked. “You have to love him, if you’re my mummy and he’s my daddy. Mummies and daddies love each other.” Her voice sounded so sure and Rose wished that everything could be as uncomplicated as it was to her six-year old daughter. She loved the Doctor and he’d loved her at one time. She didn’t know how he felt about her now, and even if he still loved her, she didn’t know if it would ever be enough. He’d hurt her so badly, and no matter how noble his reasons or how apologetic he was now, the fact that he left her was always going to be lurking around them, always tainting any sort of relationship they had. She couldn’t just make it all go away, and he couldn’t take it back.

 

She pressed a kiss to Kira’s fingers and then to her head. “I think you need to try to go sleep now, Kira. You’ve got school in the morning.”

 

Kira shook her head violently and pulled her hand from Rose’s. She looked at her with an anger and resolve that Rose didn’t see very often. “No,” she said, her voice firm. “You’re not answering me and I hate that. Do you love Daddy?”

 

Rose closed her eyes for a moment, feeling a few more tears slip out. She didn’t know what to say to her. She didn’t want to lie, but she didn’t want to give her false hope. She couldn’t bear to set her up for that sort of a fall.

 

Almost sensing what she was about to do, Kira moved closer to her. “Tell the truth,” she pleaded.

 

Rose sighed and opened her eyes. “Love, this is bigger than you. You can’t fix this, can’t get us back together just because it’s what you want. I’m sorry.”

 

“Please, Mum,” Kira whispered. 

 

Rose reached out and trailed her fingers down Kira’s cheek. “Of course I love him,” she choked out. “But that doesn’t fix things. He left us and it hurt me very badly.”

 

Kira frowned. “But you can forgive him. If he says he’s sorry, then you can forgive him. You forgave me when I said I was sorry for breaking the telly.”

 

Rose wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time. “It doesn’t work that way, darling. I can’t just forgive him.”

 

Kira squeezed her eyes shut tightly and cried. Rose tugged the blanket down from over their heads and then settled it over them. She pulled Kira close to her and held her while she cried. “Shh,” she whispered. She and Kira both had cried enough for one day. Pushing back her own tears, Rose hummed a few notes of the song she used to sing to Kira when she was a baby. Eventually Kira’s sobs turned to hiccoughs and she quieted down. Rose rubbed her back in comforting circles and she felt her breath even out as she fell asleep. She hoped that the nightmares were over, at least for the night. 

 

Rose laid there for a long time, stroking Kira’s hair and wiping away her own tears every few moments. It had been a long and draining day. She hoped that every Sunday wouldn’t be this difficult.

 

~o~

 

Rose woke up with Kira’s elbow lodged in her side. She glanced at the clock, then sat straight up. They’d overslept by an hour. They’d both be late.

 

She glanced down at Kira. She was fast asleep, her arms and legs thrown wide. Rose decided to let her sleep for a few more minutes while she got her shower.

 

She got up and got her things together, then took a quick shower. She got dressed and put on her makeup, not taking her usual care with her appearance. She went to Kira’s room and pulled a clean uniform from her wardrobe and grabbed her black Converse out from under the bed where Kira had thrown them. She took it all back to her bedroom. Kira was sitting up in the middle of the bed.

 

“Hey,” she mumbled, still sleepy. “We’re late.”

 

“I know,” Rose said, helping her tired daughter out of her pyjamas. “We’ve got to hurry.”

 

“Today’s Ben’s first day.” Kira’s eyes widened as she remembered. “He’s going to wonder where I am. We have to leave now.”

 

Rose tugged Kira’s top over her head. “Not yet. We have to eat breakfast first. Ben will be fine until you get there.”

 

Kira frowned but didn’t argue as she finished getting dressed. In the kitchen, Rose poured them each a bowl of cereal. Kira pulled her sonic screwdriver from her pocket and spun it on the table as she ate.

 

“We need to talk about a few things,” Rose said, reaching over and stilling the sonic.

 

Kira looked up at her. “Okay,” she said.

 

Rose took a deep breath. “We’ve had a crazy past few days, yeah?” She paused and Kira nodded. “Well, I know you might want to tell Ben all about what happened, but I think we need to keep some of that stuff a secret.”

 

“So I can’t tell him about Daddy?” Kira asked. “And what about my sonic screwdriver?” She clutched the sonic fiercely, as if she was afraid Rose was going to take it away from her right then. 

 

Rose sighed. It had never been complicated before, all the strange stuff that went along with the Doctor being a part of her life. “You can tell him about the Doctor,” she said, laying her hand over Kira’s. “Just maybe keep quiet about him being an alien. And you can show him your sonic, just don’t show him how much it can do. Tell him your dad’s a scientist or something.”

 

Kira nodded. “I can do that. But I really wanted to tell him about travelling in a spaceship and going to another planet.”

 

Rose took a final bite of her cereal and got up to rinse out her bowl. “That’s not a good idea, Kira. Most people don’t know about all that stuff.”

 

“Okay,” Kira finally agreed, but she was definitely pouting about it. She followed Rose to the sink and handed over her bowl.

 

Rose dropped the bowl in the sink and bent down to give Kira a quick kiss. “I’m sorry. Maybe when you’re older and we know Ben a little better, you can share your secret.”

 

Kira nodded. “Can we still rebuild the toaster and play spaceships in the playground?”

 

“Absolutely,” Rose said. “Now let’s get you to school before Ben thinks you’ve abandoned him.” She grabbed Kira’s hand pulled her out the door.


Twelve