Miles to Go: Thirteen

[wishiknewwho]

Title: Miles to Go
Author: wishiknewwho
Rating: PG
Warning: AF for Angst that Will be Fixed (Seriously, parts of this are gonna make Both look like fluff)
Characters: Ten / Rose, OC
Dislcaimer: I don't own Doctor Who and it's probably just as well that I don't because it'd be nothing but hugs and hair ruffling for the foreseeable future.
Spoilers: None really. This is set before Doomsday even.
Summary: And it's all here for you, as long as you choose to stay. It's all here for you, as long as you don't fly away.
Author Notes: This story is the result of many things, but primarily too many rotations of the Death Cab for Cutie album Narrow Stairs, an album about the claustrophobia of growing up and the comfort of giving in, at least to me anyway. All song lyrics are from there.

Beta'ed by the most excellent salimali and electrictoes. My dear salimali went above an beyond on this one, reading over this thing three times and giving me lots of advice.
Thanks to corusca for the gorgeous icon and header.

And they carried on like long division
And it was clear with every page
That they were further away from a solution that would play
Without a remainder

“Long Division”

 

Rose paced around the kitchen for a few minutes, wanting so badly to go and listen at Kira’s door. She wondered what they were talking about, what he was telling her. She hoped he was being honest, but not hurting her.

 

Sundays had become bad days for her, sitting at home alone, trying to imagine what they were up to, worried, waiting for Kira to return. But this day had been the worst of them all.

 

He’d told her what he wanted, had spoken the words, probably been the most direct he’d ever been with her. When they’d first started...whatever it was they were doing, ages ago, he’d never said much to her about how he felt. It had all been sweet kisses and shy smiles, like that was enough for her to know. But now he’d admitted to wanting her. He hadn’t said he loved her, not to her anyway, but he’d apparently said it to Kira. She wondered what else he’d told her.

 

She didn’t like him telling Kira things like that. All it was doing was turning her daughter against her. Kira couldn’t see that he’d hurt her so badly, that he’d shattered all her trust in him. All Kira could see was that her mother was keeping them from being together. It wasn’t fair.

 

Knowing it would be wrong to eavesdrop on them, Rose settled for blowing out the candles and putting away the dishes from their “date.” Just as she was closing the dishwasher, she heard the sound of Kira’s door opening and two sets of feet coming down the hallway.

 

The Doctor walked in front, pulling Kira along behind him. Once they were a few feet away from her, he tugged Kira around until she stood in front of him, facing Rose. He gave Rose a half-smile and put his hands on Kira’s shoulders.

 

Rose arched her eyebrow at him, then looked down at her daughter. Kira looked miserable.

 

“I’m sorry, Mummy,” she said, bottom lip quivering. She looked up at her with fear, and Rose felt her heart clench. She’d put that fear there, had somehow made her daughter think she lacked the capacity to forgive. It was enough to make her feel sick.

 

“Come here, darling,” Rose said, holding out her arms to her. Kira pulled away from her father and launched herself into Rose’s arms. Rose lifted her and held her close as Kira buried her face in her neck. She rubbed her back and whispered soothing words in her ear.

 

He stood there watching them. She flashed him a grateful smile and he grinned back at her.

 

Kira lifted her head from her shoulder. “Are you angry with me?” she asked.

 

Rose held her tightly. “No, love. It just hurts my feelings when you say that to me.”

 

Kira nodded. “I won’t say it again. Daddy said that I shouldn’t.”

 

“He’s right,” Rose said, giving him an appraising glance; he met her look and held it. She hadn’t expected that from him, that he’d stand up for her like that.

 

“He said that he loves you,” Kira went on. “He wants us to be a family too. You just have to trust him.”

 

Rose felt herself tense and quickly set Kira down before she noticed the change in her. “Kira, I’m going to call Ben’s mum and see if he’d like to have you over to play for a little while. How would you like that?” She made her voice even, careful to mask what she was feeling. She could feel his eyes on her, and when she looked his way, she saw that he was afraid.

 

Kira frowned. “But it’s Sunday. I spend Sundays with Daddy.”

 

Rose knelt down in front of her. “Your dad and I need to talk about some grown up stuff for a little while. Maybe he can come round one night this week.”

 

“Do I have a choice?” she asked, putting her hands on her hips.  Rose caught the Doctor’s smile out of the corner of her eye. Any other time, she’d be hiding a smile as well, but not when she was feeling this angry.

 

She shook her head. “Not this time.”

 

Kira sighed and stuck her lip out. “Fine, I’ll go to Ben’s,” she said, sulking.

 

Rose went and called Ben’s mother, then saw Kira across the hallway. She closed the door and went back into the flat, looking for him, ready for a row.

 

“What did you do that for?” he asked as she came back into the kitchen. “It’s my day with her, the only day of the week I get.” He glared down at her.

 

She hated that look of his, so imperious, like he knew better than she did about everything and like everything belonged to him. She wanted to answer him, to tell him that he had no claim over Kira after missing six years of her life, that he only saw his daughter because she allowed it. But she didn’t. She knew it would hurt him more if she just ignored his question.

 

“You have to stop telling her things,” she spat, bracing her hands on the work surface. “You’re coming off like the father of the year, and I’m looking like the bad guy.”

 

“What?” he asked, taking a couple of steps toward her. “What are you talking about?”

 

She gave a frustrated sigh and pushed her hair back from her face, staring at him. “You know what I’m talking about. You keep telling her that you want to come back into our lives.”

 

“I do,” he said, his words soft. “I want to be with you and Kira. Why is it so wrong to tell her that?”

 

Rose pressed her hand over her eyes for a moment. She couldn’t understand why he was making things so hard. “Because you’re giving her hope. She is only going to get hurt worse when things don’t turn out the way she wants them to,” she explained, as if speaking to an insolent child.

 

“Rose,” he said, moving closer to her.

 

“Stop it!” she whispered as she shook her head at him. “Now I’ve become the one that’s keeping us apart. She doesn’t understand that you kept us apart for seven years. All she can see is me, standing in the way of her happiness. It’s not fair.”

 

“I’m sorry,” he said, calmly tucking his hands in his pockets. “I know that you’re getting the worst of it, but I’m not going to lie to her.”

 

She clenched her fists, fighting to keep control . “Why are you being so damn difficult? Is this what you want, to turn my daughter against me?” 

 

“She’s my daughter, too,” he reminded her gently. “And you know me better than that, Rose. Do you really think I’d try to take her away from you?”

 

“I don’t know what to think,” she said, looking down at her feet. She knew he was telling the truth, that he’d never intentionally try to take Kira away from her, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still managing to do it. “You come in here all perfect, offering her things that I never can, and of course she’s going to love you. How can she help it?”

 

“Rose,” he said, his voice soothing, and she almost forgot her anger, she just wanted to let herself fall into his arms. “Is that what you’re afraid of? Are you afraid for her to love me?”

 

She felt the fight drain out of her. She couldn’t stand up against him when he was being so reasonable. “It’s not fair,” she mumbled. “It’s been me and her for six years, just the two of us. It hasn’t been perfect, but we’ve been happy. And now you’ve come back, and everything’s different.”

 

He took another hesitant step towards her. “It’s not like that at all, you know,” he said. “She sees me as the fun one, but you’re the one that she wants at the end of the day. When we escaped from those aliens, all she wanted was to get back to you. You mean everything to her, Rose.”

 

The tears built behind her eyes. Kira might still need her, but Rose knew all too well how tempting the Doctor could be. “She’s enchanted with you,” she whispered. “I’m going to lose her to you.”

 

He rubbed the back of his neck. “What do you want me to do, Rose?” he asked. “Do you want me to leave the two of you again? I will do that if that’s what you want.” 

 

She tucked her hair behind her ears. That wasn’t what she wanted from him. She wanted to fight with him, to have it out, but he refused to fight back. He was being so nice, and it dissolved her anger, leaving her with nothing but hurt. “No, that’s not what I want,” she said, not looking at him. “She loves you and it would break her heart if you left. I won’t do that to her.”

 

He nodded. “Then what do you want? For the two of us. We have to be able to get along, for Kira’s sake at least. Are you going to hate me for the rest of your life?” His voice sounded so sad. It wasn’t fair, that after all he did to her that he could still make her feel so much, could still make her want to take care of him.

 

“I don’t know what I want,” she said, clasping her hands together, trying to stop them from shaking. She knew they needed to have this conversation, to lay some ground rules and clear the air between them, but she wasn’t ready for it. She took a slow breath and started with some things that were easier to say, things he needed to know. “I know that you need to be in Kira’s life, that she needs you. She has a lot of trouble at school. Not with her work of course.” She paused and met his eye.

 

“Oh of course not,” he said, a half-smile playing across his lips. “Any child of ours would be brilliant.”

 

She was impressed that he’d actually included her in that, figured he would accredit Kira’s intelligence all to his superior Time Lord genes. “She has trouble making friends,” she went on. “She’s different than the other kids, doesn’t play the sorts of things they play, and it’s made her an outsider. She’s shy around them, would you believe it?”

 

He shook his head. “But she has a friend, right? She says that Ben is her best friend.”

 

Rose nodded. “Yeah, she just met Ben, and thank God for him. Her teacher was urging me to take her to a psychologist, but I didn’t want to do that. Ben came along and her teacher has let up a little. He’s amazing, gets on so well with Kira. They like the same stuff, you know? She’s really started to come out of her shell these past few weeks. And part of that is because of you.”

 

“I’m sorry you’ve had to worry so much about her,” he said, shifting uncomfortably. 

 

She didn’t really want to hear his apology, though, not right then. He couldn’t make it better by saying it. “And she has nightmares. Not nightmares like a normal kid’s, but these awful night terrors where she sees such morbid things. She saw my death the other night.”

 

His eyes widened and he took a step towards her, but she shook her head.

 

“It’s okay,” she said. “We deal with it. She needs reassurance, needs to be close to someone to know that it’s okay. Usually by the next morning, she’s over it. But you need to know these things. You only get to see the good stuff.”

 

He nodded solemnly. “Thank you for telling me. And for the record, I want to be a part of her life, good and bad. I want to help,” he said, his voice honest. “And what about you, Rose? What do you want from me?”

 

She knew what he was asking her, but she didn’t have an answer to that question yet, wasn’t ready to even think about what her answer might be. “I just want you to take care of my daughter when she’s with you,” she said, settling for the only thing she was entirely clear about. 

 

“I know that,” he sighed. “I want to know what you want. Just you, not Kira.”

 

She swallowed. She knew that he was going to ask again, but she didn’t know what to say. It would be so easy to take him back, to pick up right where they left off oh so long ago. It wasn’t that she didn’t still find him attractive, didn’t still want him, didn’t still love him. In all the years that he’d been gone, she’d never wanted anyone else. He was it for her. But none of that changed what he did. If she let him back in and he left again, it would crush her. She didn’t think she could go through getting over him twice. “That’s all I want from you,” she whispered, holding back her tears.

 

He sniffed and ran a hand through his hair. “Are you sure that’s all?” he asked, looking at her hopefully.

 

She bit her lip for a moment, and watched him. One word, and she could have it all back. But then she remembered the day she realised she was pregnant, how alone she’d felt. She couldn’t go through that again. “I’m sure,’ she said, forcing her voice not to waver.

 

His shoulders dropped, but he went on. “And is that forever? Do you think you’ll never be able to forgive me?” His eyes were wide and dark, and she found herself wanting to give in, not wanting to hurt him.

 

“I don’t know,” she said. “Maybe.”

 

He sighed with resignation. “I see. Well, don’t worry, I’ll stop filling Kira’s head with crazy ideas.” He scuffed his trainer against the floor for a moment, then lifted his eyes to meet hers, his gaze steady and determined. “But I’m not giving up on you. Not yet. I’ll wait forever if that’s what it takes for you to trust me again. I’ll be here, every Sunday, and any other day you ask.”

 

She wasn’t sure what to feel. He was playing with her emotions and it wasn’t fair. If she didn’t guard herself carefully, she’d wind up letting him back in before she even realised it. She couldn’t let that happen. She pushed all those silly thoughts from her mind, refused to let herself look at his sad eyes or messy hair, all things that might sway her. “I’m not sure that’ll be enough,” she said, with all the sincerity she could muster. 

 

“I have to start somewhere, Rose,” he said. He shifted on his feet and gestured toward the door. “I suppose I should be getting on. I’ll see you both next Sunday.”

 

Despite everything, she couldn’t bear to let him leave like that, looking so destroyed. “Wait,” she said quietly.

 

His eyes rose up to meet hers.

 

“You didn’t get your day with Kira,” she said, offering him a small smile. “Maybe you could help her with her project.”

 

He flashed her a grin. “I’d love to,” he said.

 

“I’ll go and get her,” Rose said, stepping out of the flat and across the hallway. She smiled politely at Ben’s mother, promising her that everything was fine, then waited while she got Kira. 

 

Once they were alone in the hallway, Kira tugged on her hand and Rose looked down at her. “Did you make up?” she asked hopefully.

 

Rose knelt down in front of her daughter. “Your dad and I aren’t getting back together, love. Not now and maybe not ever,” she said, putting her hand on Kira’s shoulder. “I know that’s hard to hear, but you need to know the truth. Can you understand that?”

 

Kira nodded slowly.

 

Rose kissed her forehead. “Good. I’m sorry things didn’t turn out the way you wanted. But, your dad and I are going to try to be friends. We may not be together, but we’re going to be more of a family for you.”

 

“Will you come with us on some of our trips?” Kira asked, leaning forward onto her tiptoes. 

 

Rose smiled at her. “Yeah. I just might do that.”

 

“Good,” Kira said, wrapping her arms around her neck and Rose hugged her back.

 

Rose stood back up. “Your dad’s going to help you with your project tonight. Is that okay?”

 

Kira beamed. “Yeah. That’d be great.” She followed Rose back to the flat.

 

Once they were inside, Rose got the Doctor and Kira settled at the kitchen table with all the materials needed for Kira’s Autumn leaf project.

 

“Don’t you take over,” she warned the Doctor. “It needs to look like she did it.”

 

“Yes, ma’am,” he said, grinning up at her and Kira giggled. 

 

“I’m going out for a little while, stop by Mum’s and maybe do some shopping,” Rose said, smiling down at Kira and pressing a kiss to the top of her head before leaving the kitchen. “You two try not to cause too much trouble while I’m out. I’ll bring back some dinner.”

 

“Yes, ma’am,” Kira said, echoing the Doctor, and their laughter rang out through the flat as Rose closed the door behind her.

 

~o~

 

She wandered around town for a couple of hours. She browsed aimlessly through a couple of shops, picking up a new book for Kira and a scarf for herself. She tried not to think about the two of them back at her flat, tried not to miss them too much. She reminded herself that they needed this time alone, and she needed a little more time to get herself used to the idea before she could spend time with him. 

 

She wound up at her mother’s and poured her heart out to Jackie over a cup of tea.

 

When she thought enough time had passed, she stopped by a chip shop and got some takeaway, then made her way back to the flat. She pushed open the door, juggling her bags and the takeaway, expecting to hear the two of them talking and laughing, just as she’d left them. Instead, the flat was quiet. She felt a momentary stab of panic, thinking that the Doctor might have taken Kira off for a while without telling her, but she pushed it away, knowing that he wouldn’t do anything like that to her. Besides, she’d seen the TARDIS just outside. 

 

Making her way into the flat, she set her bags on the kitchen table, smiling at the large paper with an assortment of leaves glued to it, labelled in Kira’s careful rounded handwriting. She stepped into the living room. The first thing she noticed was the Doctor’s tie and jacked draped over the chair.

 

She tiptoed into the room and saw the two of them on the sofa. The Doctor was laid on his back, Kira sprawled out on top of him. His arm was curled protectively around her back and her head was resting on his chest. Both of them were fast asleep. She felt her breath catch in her throat and tears sting her eyes. This is what she’d wanted for so many years, the Doctor with her and Kira, the three of them living a life together. And now it was so close, almost just how she’d imagined it, only not quite.

 

She watched them for a moment, taking in the peaceful looks on their faces, watching as he breathed slowly in and out. She passed a hand through Kira’s hair and then, not even thinking about what she was doing, ran her hand gently through his. His eyes fluttered open, wide and startled, and they looked at each other for a long moment. Fighting back a little shiver, she went back to the kitchen and began to put the food on plates. Just as she expected, the two of them appeared in the kitchen, both blinking in the light, the smell of food waking them up.

 

“Hi,” she said brightly, working to infuse her tone with cheerfulness.

 

Kira shuffled over and leaned her head tiredly against Rose. “I’m hungry,” she mumbled.

 

“I’ve got takeaway,” Rose said, gesturing to the plates she’d set out. “Fish and chips. What about you, Doctor?” She turned to him, taking in his sleepy expression and his ruffled hair.

 

His eyebrows rose almost to his hairline, but he didn’t say anything, only nodded his thanks.

 

She returned his look with a shy smile, and hoped he took the gesture for what it was: a truce and a move toward friendship.

 

She joined the two of them, and they shared a quiet meal. It was awkward, but slightly less awkward than the last time the three of them had eaten together. Kira chattered on about what she and Ben had done and her leaf project. The Doctor talked about an alien race that had only one foot but seven arms, sending Kira into a fit of giggles with his impression. Rose told them about a man that Jackie was seeing and ignored the Doctor’s disparaging comments. The conversation wasn’t quite comfortable, but it almost felt normal.

 

When they were done eating, Kira saw the Doctor to the door while Rose put the dishes away. Once she was done, she gave Kira a quick bath and put her sleepy daughter to bed.

 

“Mum?” Kira said, half-asleep as Rose threaded her fingers through her hair.

 

“Hmm?” Rose murmured, lost in her own thoughts of all the things they’d said to each other, of the outcome of their conversation. She’d told him that she didn’t want to have any sort of romantic relationship with him. She wondered if she’d made the right choice.

 

“I had a good day today,” Kira said, eyes sliding closed.

 

Rose leaned down to kiss her goodnight. “Me too, love,” she said. “Me too.”



Fourteen