Miles to Go: Seven

[wishiknewwho]

Title: Miles to Go
Author: wishiknewwho 
Rating: PG (for now)
Warning: AF for Angst that Will be Fixed (Seriously, parts of this are gonna make Both look like fluff)
Characters: Ten / Rose, OC
Dislcaimer: I don't own Doctor Who and it's probably just as well that I don't because it'd be nothing but hugs and hair ruffling for the foreseeable future.
Spoilers: None really. This is set before Doomsday even.
Summary: And it's all here for you, as long as you choose to stay. It's all here for you, as long as you don't fly away.
Author Notes: This story is the result of many things, but primarily too many rotations of the Death Cab for Cutie album Narrow Stairs, an album about the claustrophobia of growing up and the comfort of giving in, at least to me anyway. All song lyrics are from there.

My betas, salimali, tardismate, and electrictoes , are more than made of awesome.  They are made of amazing for putting up with me and my millions of questions.  Thanks to corusca  who designed the gorgeous icon and banner.

‘Cause when you can’t stand in place
you can’t tell who’s walking away from who remains

“Pity and Fear”

 

Rose sucked in a breath. She’d been grappling with how to tell Kira about her father for years, and now she’d just done it in the worst possible way. All three of them froze, and her heart lurched at the stricken look on her daughter’s face.

 

She took a step forward. “Kira,” she whispered.

 

But Kira just backed out of the door, shaking her head. The trainers she’d put on pounded against the metal floor as she ran away.

 

Rose took off after her.

 

“Rose, wait,” the Doctor said, trying to catch up with her.

 

“I need to talk to her first,” she called behind her. “Alone. I’ll come find you in a little bit.”

 

He stopped following her and she kept moving. She wondered if he was actually listening to her or just too scared to face Kira after that revelation. She pushed him from her mind. Her daughter was her top priority now. She had to make this better.

 

The TARDIS was huge, so big that in two years of living there, Rose hadn’t managed to explore all of it. If Kira wanted to, she could be well hidden for quite a while. Of course, she could always go and ask the Doctor to help her find her, but she wanted to do this on her own. She just hoped the ship wasn’t actually helping Kira to hide; if she was, then no one stood a chance of finding her until she was good and ready to come out.

 

She searched a couple of corridors to no avail, hoping that Kira hadn’t actually gone inside one of the rooms. She was just beginning to panic when she saw her, crouched down against the wall of the seventh or eighth corridor she tried.

 

Rose slowed down, not wanting to startle her, and approached her cautiously.

 

“Kira?” she asked, kneeling down next to her.

 

Kira stuck her head down between her knees until all Rose could see was her unruly blonde hair. “Go away,” she said, her voice muffled.

 

Rose sat down next to her against the wall. “Not going to happen, love. We need to talk about this.”

 

Kira didn’t change her posture.

 

Rose reached over and took her hand in hers, soothingly rubbing her fingers. “Come on, Kira.”

 

Kira didn’t say anything, but she leaned into Rose. Rose took it as a good sign and pulled her into her lap. They sat there in silence, Rose gently rocking her back and forth. She noticed Kira’s shoes and reached down and tapped them.

 

“I see the TARDIS found you some red Converse. I’ll bet she’ll even let you keep them. You can have two pairs, just like you wanted.” She brushed Kira’s hair back from her face, but Kira kept her head burrowed in her chest.

 

“Is he really my dad?” she finally asked.

 

Rose paused. She could end this here, tell Kira that she misheard. Kira would probably believe her. She could send the Doctor on his way and things could go back to the way they were. She could do that, but it really wasn’t fair to anyone involved. The Doctor had been wrong, but she didn’t have it in her heart to punish him by denying him his daughter. And Kira deserved to know her father.

 

“Yes, love. He’s your dad,” Rose said. “I used to live with him here on this ship.” She leaned her head back against the wall for a moment, thinking of how much she’d loved living on board the TARDIS. She’d missed him when he left, but she’d missed the ship as well.

 

Kira pulled back from her a little and wiped at her eyes. Rose couldn’t tell if she’d cried much, but her cheeks were red. “Is he really an alien?”

 

“Yes,” Rose said, deciding to give her the most direct answer possible. “He is an alien. But he’s not as different from us as he likes to pretend.”

 

“Am I an alien, too?” Kira asked, her bottom lip trembling. “Is that why I’m different from the other kids?”

 

Rose gathered her back to her chest. “He’s a part of you, just like I am. But you’re Kira Tyler, the most amazing kid in the universe, no matter what planet you’re on. You’re not different, you’re special.” She hoped the answer would be enough to convince Kira.

 

Kira frowned. “Does Gran know that I’m an alien?” she asked.

 

Rose stifled a laugh. “Yes, she knows. And she doesn’t mind one bit. We both love you so much. And if you think about it, it’s kind of cool.”

 

“How?” Kira asked, pushing her hair out of her eyes.

 

Rose gave a little shrug. “I don’t know. It’s just cool. How many people can say their dad’s from another planet?”

 

“Why has he been gone for so long?” Kira leaned her head against her shoulder. “Doesn’t he like us?”

 

Rose tilted her head back, willing the tears not to fall. She’d been asking herself that same question for years and she’d yet to find a good answer. But she couldn’t cry, not in front of Kira, and she had to give her an answer, one that wouldn’t hurt too much. She didn’t need to be more upset than she already was. It wasn’t fair; he should have to answer that question, not her.

 

“Your dad is a complicated man,” she started. “He’s old, very very old. And he’s done and seen a lot of things in his life. He does a lot of good, helps people, both on Earth and other planets. He’s seen a lot of bad things happen, and I think it scares him.”

 

“He doesn’t look that old” Kira commented, and Rose repressed a smile. There was so much they needed to talk about.

 

“Don’t let his appearance fool you,” she said. “He’s over nine hundred.”  She nodded at Kira’s incredulous look.

 

“No way,” Kira breathed, then changed gears. “Why would we scare him?”

 

Rose gave a little shrug. “I don’t know, love. I think he’s afraid we might get hurt, if we were out there with him.”

 

“But why wouldn’t he visit?” Kira pressed on. “Wouldn’t he want to see me?”

 

Rose cuddled her closer and kissed her forehead. “I wish I could give you an easy answer for that one, but I can’t. I don’t know why he went away for so long. You’re going to have to ask him.”

 

“Were you married to him?” Kira asked playing with the ends of Rose’s hair.

 

Rose let out a laugh then. “No, what made you think that?”

 

Kira shrugged. “Most mums and dads are married. I thought maybe you were, too.”

 

Rose shook her head. “We weren’t married. But we were happy,” she said wistfully.

 

“What happened?” Kira frowned and Rose could tell that she was trying very hard to work out all the grown up stuff.

 

She wasn’t about to answer that question, at least not with the truth. If she had her way, Kira would never find that one out. “People grow apart sometimes,” she said vaguely. “It just didn’t work out.”

 

“Are you going to get married now?” Kira asked, tugging the ends of her own hair and holding it up to Rose’s. It was something she did frequently; she liked to look at the subtle differences in their hair colours.

 

“I wouldn’t count on it, love.” Rose pulled Kira’s hands from their hair and held them in hers. “But I think he wants to be part of your life now. He wants to see you. How do you feel about that?”

 

Kira wrinkled her nose, thinking. “I don’t know. How would he see me?”

 

“I don’t know,” Rose replied. “I suppose he could come and visit you. Or you could visit him here on the TARDIS. You wouldn’t see him all the time, just every now and then.” She wasn’t keen on him just waltzing back into their lives with no consequences, as if no time had passed and nothing had happened, but she had to give Kira the choice. She couldn’t risk Kira growing up to hate her because she’d denied her her father.

 

“What would you do? While I visited him.” Kira shifted on her lap.

 

Rose kissed her daughter’s forehead again. “I’d be at home. Just like when you visit Gran’s or you and Gran go somewhere on your own.”

 

Kira nodded. “Would you be mad?”

 

“Of course not, love. He’s your dad. If you want to see him, if it makes you happy, then I’m happy.” In actuality, she was a little jealous. She and Kira had been the centre of each other’s worlds for so long, and now the Doctor was about to change that.

 

Kira set her mouth in a line. “Then I think I’d like to see him. Sometimes,” she added, almost as if she sensed that she might hurt her mother’s feelings.

 

“Okay,” Rose said. “Shall we go back? He’s probably pretty worried about you.”

 

Kira nodded and stood up. “I’m kind of scared, Mum,” she said, scuffing her trainer against the floor.

 

Rose got to her feet and dusted off the back of her pyjama bottoms. She grimaced. She really needed a shower and a change of clothes. “Why?”

 

“What if he doesn’t like me?” she asked, looking down at her shoes.

 

Rose put her hand under Kira’s chin and tilted her face up until her eyes met hers. “You know what the first thing he said to me about you was?”

 

Kira shook her head.

 

“He told me you were brilliant. He already likes you.” She wondered if she was doing the right thing by telling Kira that; it would only do harm if he took off again. She took Kira’s hand in hers and pulled her along down the hallway. 

 

They made their way back to the console room. The Doctor was sitting on the captain’s chair, staring off into space. He started when they walked in, jumping up quickly.

 

“Hi,” he said, his voice unnaturally squeaky.

 

“Hey,” Rose said, feeling Kira squeeze her hand nervously. She pulled her daughter around and put her hands on her shoulders, pulling her back against her in a comforting gesture. She took a deep breath. “Doctor, this is your daughter, Kira. Kira, this is your dad.”

 

The Doctor shifted from foot to foot and tugged on his ear. Kira said nothing.

 

“Oh for goodness sake,” Rose cried. “Do I have to do everything? Say hello to each other.”

 

“We’ve already met, Mum,” Kira pointed out in a matter-of-fact voice and the Doctor laughed.

 

“Oh, I can already tell the two of you are going to be a pair,” Rose muttered good naturedly. This was one of the most difficult things she’d ever done, standing there in front of him and pretending like things were going to be okay, but she refused to ruin this moment for Kira, no matter how much she hated it.

 

“Hello, Kira,” the Doctor said, rolling his eyes dramatically.

 

Kira giggled and took a step toward the Doctor. “Hello,” she said. “Mum says that I get to see you again.”

 

“Oh?” he asked, his eyes going wide. He looked up at Rose for confirmation.

 

She nodded. “There will be some conditions, naturally.”

 

“Oh of course,” he agreed. 

 

Rose felt a shift in the air and the mood shifted to awkward. “I think I’m going to get a shower and let you two spend some time together. After that, I think it will be about time for us to go home. Kira doesn’t need to miss school.”

 

The Doctor nodded and Rose headed off in the direction of what used to be her bathroom. She felt the tears start to fall as soon as she rounded the corner and by the time she reached the bathroom she was choking on the sobs. She stripped out of her clothes and stepped into the shower, turning it on and letting the water drench her, letting it drown out the tears. 

 

She wasn’t sure of her exact reasons for crying; likely it was a number of things. The fear she’d felt for Kira, of almost losing her. The shock of him coming back into their lives without any warning. The final resolution to her question of why he’d left them and the hurt that went along with it. Jealousy that Kira might like him better, might wish she lived with her dad, who was frankly much more exciting than her boring old mother. The overwhelming apprehension that he might leave again, and the fear of what that might do to Kira, what it might do to her.

 

She leaned her forehead against the shower wall, taking comfort in the warm water. It had been a long day. She’d missed the TARDIS so much, but she had to admit that she’d be glad to get back to their little flat. At least things made sense there.

 

When she had no tears left and all she felt was weak and exhausted, she washed off and got out of the shower. If nothing else, at least it felt better to be clean. She used the end of her towel to wipe off the mirror. She looked older; much older, she was pretty sure, than she had looked the day before.

 

She didn’t know what she wanted from him or what he wanted from her. So far, he’d said he wanted to be a part of Kira’s life and he seemed like he wanted her to forgive him, but that was it.  He hadn’t said anything about whether his feelings for her had changed or not.

 

She went back to her old room and found a pair of her old jeans and a t-shirt. She put them on, noticing they were a little too big on her now. She hadn’t really noticed that she’d lost weight. She felt strange in these clothes, like they belonged to another girl and not to her. She checked her reflection again, combing her fingers through her hair. Sighing, she turned away and headed back to the console room.

 

Kira and the Doctor were circling the TARDIS, Kira running her hands over the various levers and buttons. The Doctor appeared to be explaining their functions, but Kira seemed to already have mastered the art of tuning him out. Rose felt a small smile creep up on her lips.

 

“Do we have to go already?” Kira asked when she saw her and Rose tamped down the hurt at her words. She was already losing her.

 

“Yes, love. It’s time to get back home. You two will see each other again soon.” She took a few steps closer to them. “Why don’t you go explore the TARDIS for a bit while I talk to the Doctor?”

 

Kira jerked around to face the Doctor. “Can I really?” she asked, bouncing on her toes.

 

“Of course you can.” He gave her a wide grin. “Whenever you want to come back, just think really hard about this room and the old girl will get you back.”

 

“Okay,” she said, running off and not looking back.

 

As soon as she was out of earshot, Rose turned to him with a firm look. “I have to ask you a question and I need you to be completely honest with me. No shifting around, no looking at everything but me. I need you to look me in the eye and be very still. I need you to convince me.” She knew that she was babbling, but she needed to be very clear with him.

 

 “All right, Rose,” he said, his expression serious.

 

“Are you really going to come back and see her?” she asked, her gaze never wavering from him. She forced herself to stay strong, to not give in.

 

“Yes,” he said, keeping his eyes focused on her. “I want to be a part of her life.”

 

She noticed that he only mentioned Kira, not both of them, but she kept her face blank, kept her emotions in control. “Then we have to have some ground rules. I don’t mean to sound so harsh, but I can’t let her get hurt.”

 

He nodded. “Whatever you want.”

 

“You have to visit her at least once a week. Saturdays are our day, so maybe on Sundays. She needs stability in her life, needs to know what she can expect. I don’t want her thinking that you’re going to show up only to be disappointed.”

 

His expression softened.  “I have no intentions of hurting her, Rose. She’s so...perfect, and I can’t believe I’ve missed out on so much of her life.”

 

She didn’t know what to say to that. She wanted to make a sarcastic remark about hindsight and 20/20 vision, but it would help no one and probably wouldn’t even make her feel better.

 

“I promise I’ll be there every Sunday. Whatever time you want.” He stuck his hands in his pockets.

 

“Good,” she said. “If you hurt her, that’s it. You won’t see her anymore.”

 

He looked like he wanted to say something to that, even went as far as opening his mouth, but he closed it again, and gave a curt nod. Part of her kind of wished he’d say something; it would be easier to fight with him at this point.

 

“All right then. We’re ready to go home as soon as you get the time.” She went over to the captain’s chair and sat down, relieved to have that conversation over with.

 

His shoulders slumped a little, but he went over to the ship’s controls and began to set the coordinates. “When do you want to be back?”

 

She thought for a moment. “How about sometime the morning after you got us?”

 

He turned back to the controls. “Rose?” he asked quietly.

 

“What?” She didn’t like the way his voice sounded, and he was probably about to talk about something she didn’t want to talk about.

 

“I just...” he faltered, but seemed to find his courage. “What about us? I know that Kira wants to see me, but what about you?”

 

Her hands went numb and her heart thudded. She tried to read his expression, but he had schooled his features into a blank mask and she couldn’t figure him out. He was so different than he used to be. She used to know everything he was feeling just by his posture and the curve of his mouth, but over the past seven years, he’d turned into someone she didn’t know.

 

A part of her was tempted to tell him everything, how wrecked she’d been when he left her, how much she’d missed him, how lonely she’d been. It would be so easy to fall back into his arms like no time had passed. But he might change his mind, might decide it would be better if he left again. And as much as she hated to admit it, she knew that Kira could handle it better than she could. She could stay strong for her daughter, could comfort her, if the need presented itself. But if she gave herself to him again, if she let herself love him again, she would probably fall apart when he left. She couldn’t let that happen. 

 

She set her face in her own blank expression. “There is no us. I’m only doing this because it is what Kira wants. I love her enough to give her that.”

 

Something flickered in his eyes, but he turned away and began to adjust the controls. “I’ll get you home in just a few minutes. I’ve told the TARDIS to get Kira back in here. I’ll be back before we land.” He didn’t look at her as he left the room.

 

She relaxed her posture and sank back into the chair. She thought she didn’t have any tears left, but there they were, pricking at her eyes in the most annoying way. She furiously rubbed at her eyes, not wanting him or Kira to see her crying when they came back.

 

Moments later Kira wandered in. “There’s so much to see, Mum. There’s even a room with a pool.”

 

“It’s pretty cool, huh?” Rose asked. She remembered how she’d been when she first came aboard the ship, amazed by everything. Kira had that same starry, dazed look she’d had.

 

“Oh yes,” Kira said, clambering up to sit next to her on the captain’s chair.

 

Rose put her arm around her. “You know I love you, right?” she asked.

 

Kira leaned up and kissed her on the cheek. “Of course. I love you, too, Mum. Are you okay?” She narrowed her eyes at her.

 

Rose smiled at her. “Yes, I’m fine. Just being silly.” She pulled her closer.

 

The Doctor walked back in, and Rose watched him as he stopped for a moment, his gaze wandering over the two of them. He gave a slight shake of his head and made his way over to them.

 

“Rose. Kira,” he said, placing a mobile phone in each of their hands. His fingers brushed against hers for a moment, the touch of skin on skin sending a little thrill of electricity through her body. She was pretty sure he felt it, too, from the way his eyes met hers, startled.

 

“What is this for?” Kira asked, turning the mobile phone over and inspecting it. 

 

He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “They’re mobile phones. So you can call me, whether you need me for something or just to talk.” Rose noticed that he looked at her for the first suggested motive and at Kira for the other. “Call me anytime, and I’ll show up. No matter what I’m doing, I’ll be there.”

 

“Thanks,” Kira said. “Will it really call you, even if you’re on another planet?” Her voice was dripping with awe.

 

He grinned down at her. “Yep. Anywhere in the universe.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his own matching phone. “You’ve got my number and I’ve got yours. We can always get in touch with each other.”

 

“Cool,” she murmured.

 

Rose sat staring at her phone, turning it over and over in her hands. She caught him staring at her. “Thanks,” she said, feeling a little sheepish. “It’s good to have it, yeah? In case we have another emergency like last night, I can let you know.”

 

He nodded. “Exactly,” he said. She thought she heard a little note of bitterness in his voice, but she couldn’t be sure.

 

They looked at each other for a moment, before he moved back to the console. “All right, Kira Tyler. Are you ready for your first trip on the TARDIS? Well, second actually, but you were asleep for that one, so we won’t count it.” 

 

Kira beamed at him and he pulled down on the lever, sending them into flight. Kira grabbed onto Rose.

 

“It’s fun, yeah?” Rose asked, looking down at her daughter, who looked scared to death but was still grinning. She wrapped her arms around her tightly.

 

They landed much more smoothly than usual.

 

“Here we are, the Tyler flat,” he said. His voice was booming, but something about his tone was flat. She frowned. Surely he didn’t think he could pop back into their lives like he’d been gone for seven minutes instead of seven years.

 

Kira ran to the door. “Can I open it?” she asked.

 

“Go ahead,” he said, sliding his hands into his pockets and watching her.

 

Kira opened the door and stuck her head outside. “We’re right outside of our building, Mum.”

 

Rose smiled at her and followed her out into the street. He was close behind.

 

“I’ll walk you upstairs. I want to make sure everything is okay.” His tone brokered no argument, and she decided to just let him have that one.

 

He walked them to their flat, made a quick check, and deciding everything was okay, set out to leave.

 

“I’ll see you on Sunday,” he said to Kira, kneeling down and patting her on the head. “We’ll do something fun.”

 

“Okay,” she said, giving him a toothy grin.

 

Rose saw him to the door. “Sunday,” she repeated. “Make sure you’re not late.”

 

“Of course,” he said. “I’ll see you then. And make sure you keep this door locked.”

 

She nodded and he left. She closed the door behind her and went back into the flat. Kira was in her room, sprawled on her stomach across the bed, notebook open and pencil in her hand. She was a million miles away in her thoughts. It had been a long night. Rose decided to keep her home for the day to let her have a little quiet time.

 

She made a quick call to the school and then went to her bedroom. She opened her jewellery box and fished around until her fingers closed around the metal that had once been as familiar to her as her own skin. She held it up and it caught the light filtering in from the window. It glowed golden for a moment, then changed back to normal as the TARDIS left.

 

Clutching it in her hand so tightly that it left marks in her palm, she made her way back to Kira’s room. She watched her daughter for a moment, took in the way her head tilted as she had an idea, the way her foot jiggled up and down. “What are you doing, love?” she asked and Kira turned to her.

 

“Just drawing up some plans for what I can do when I get my sonic screwdriver. Do you want to see them?” she asked.

 

Rose nodded. “I do. I want to give you something first.”

 

Kira set her pencil down and sat up. “What is it?”

 

Rose took her hand in her own and put the TARDIS key in her palm. “This was my key to the TARDIS. I think you’ll be needing it.”

 

Kira looked down at the key in wonder. “I can really have it?”

 

“Yes,” Rose said. “Here, hold your hair up so I can help you put it on.”

 

Kira turned around and held her hair off her neck while Rose fastened the necklace. She turned back around when Rose was done. “How does it look?”

 

Rose looked at her for a moment and cupped her cheek in her hand. “Like it was meant for you,” she said.


Eight - Part One

Comments

[corusca.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is all wonderful. I'm still enjoying Kira, and the tension/angst/bitterness is just palpable between them all.

It was so nice coming back from two weeks sans computer (*sob*) to multiple chapters, but now I have to wait again! *impatient*

[wishiknewwho.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you are enjoying the angst. And I'm not sure if you've seen, but chapter eight is up. :)