wishiknewwho | Miles to Go: Twelve

Title: Miles to Go
Author: wishiknewwho
Rating: PG-13
Warning: AF for Angst that Will be Fixed (Seriously, parts of this are gonna make Both look like fluff)
Characters: Ten / Rose, OC
Dislcaimer: I don't own Doctor Who and it's probably just as well that I don't because it'd be nothing but hugs and hair ruffling for the foreseeable future.
Spoilers: None really. This is set before Doomsday even.
Summary: And it's all here for you, as long as you choose to stay. It's all here for you, as long as you don't fly away.
Author Notes: This story is the result of many things, but primarily too many rotations of the Death Cab for Cutie album Narrow Stairs, an album about the claustrophobia of growing up and the comfort of giving in, at least to me anyway. All song lyrics are from there.

Thanks to my betas

electrictoes and

salimali. Several lines in here were written by

salimali, and she did an excellent job of talking me through this one and telling me exactly what it needed.
The lovely icon and banner were created by

corusca.
This comes to you a day early as I'm not sure I'll have time to post tomorrow.

We watched the plumes paint the sky gray

as she laughed and danced through the field of graves

“Grapevine Fires”

The Doctor bit back a curse as the fraying wire shocked his finger. Frustrated, he hefted himself out from under the console. Kira sat in the captain’s chair, idly swinging her legs back and forth.

“I could take you home, get this fixed, and come back for you in five minutes your time,” he offered. It was Sunday, their second day together, and right as they had been about to take off for another adventure, the TARDIS had malfunctioned. He’d spent the last hour trying to fix her, but to no avail.

Kira shook her head. “It’s okay,” she said. “I’m having fun.”

He gave her a crooked smile. “No you’re not.”

She giggled and kicked her legs harder. “Okay, I’m not,” she said. “But I don’t want to go home. I want to help.”

He felt his mouth turn down. He was very particular about his ship, and while he adored Kira, she was six. He wasn’t sure there was a time when he’d touched her that some part of her wasn’t sticky.

“Please, Daddy,” she said, turning big brown eyes on him.

That’s all it took. He was across the room in two seconds, lifting her down from the captain’s chair. “Do you have your sonic?” he asked as he led her back to the grating he’d opened.

“Yup.” She patted her pocket.

He grinned at her. “Good.” He jumped down through the opening and held his arms up to her. She jumped into them without hesitation and he set her on the floor.

“What are we fixing?” she asked, sliding her screwdriver out of her pocket.

“I’m fixing the regulator cell,” he said. “You are going to shine a light so I can see.”

She gave him a defiant little frown. “I could do something more important,” she said, indignant.

He ruffled her hair. “Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong Kira Tyler. Because holding the light is the most important part.”

“You’re just saying that,” she said, pouting.

“I am not,” he said, putting on a mock-offended tone. “I can’t see anything down here. How can I fix anything without a light?”

She shrugged at him and he swore he saw her roll her eyes. She switched her sonic on. “Where do I need to shine it?” she asked with resignation.

“Follow me,” he said, and led her into the bowels of the ship. After a few steps, he was crouching down, then a few more and he was crawling.

“There are a lot of wires and stuff down here,” Kira commented.

He hummed absently. “Takes a lot to make this ship run,” he said. “Don’t worry, after a few years, you’ll know how everything down here works.” He realised he was already planning a future with her, but he couldn’t help it. He was attached.

He’d been worried about how Rose would act towards him after what happened last Sunday. He thought that she might tell him to get lost, that she wanted HIM out of their lives forever. Instead, she’d pretended like nothing had happened at all, letting him in the flat without meeting his eye, kissing Kira goodbye, and handing over the little rucksack to him. He noticed that she was careful to make sure their fingers didn’t touch. He didn’t push her, hoping that maybe with time, as she saw that he wasn’t going to abandon them, that she’d come around.

“Will you let me fix the ship then?” Kira asked.

“Oh absolutely,” he replied. He’d finally found the section of machinery that he needed. He settled down on his back and motioned for Kira to join him.

She lay down next to him, her hair fluttering over his jacket. He noticed that she smelled so much like Rose, and he felt the comforting sense of home wash over him.

“Where do I shine this?” she asked, waving her sonic at the mess of wires above them.

“Just keep it pointed at my hands,” he said. “If your arm starts hurting, give it a rest for a little bit, okay?”

She nodded and focused the light on his fingers. He pulled out a red wire and a green wire, frowning at the fraying material.

“That’ll need to be fixed,” he murmured, pulling his own sonic from his pocket.

“Daddy?” Kira asked.

“Mmm?” he mumbled, sticking the sonic in his mouth for a moment while he fiddled with the wires.

“Did you miss me and Mum while you were gone?” she asked.

He took the screwdriver from his mouth and looked at her, his heart tumbling as he thought of every moment missed. “Of course I did. I thought about you every single day. Sometimes every single minute.”

“Mum, too?” she pressed, still holding the screwdriver steady.

He pulled another wire out, a blue one this time. “Yes. I missed your mum very much. We were very close.”

“Do you love her?” Kira asked.

His fingers slipped and he had to find the wire again. He didn’t know how to answer her. Of course he knew the answer to her question. He loved Rose just as much as he always had; that had never changed. But he didn’t know what to say to Kira.

“Daddy?” Kira prompted.

“Yes?” he said, hoping to stall for a little more time. He ran over every option in his brain and all the possible outcomes.

Kira sighed as if she was dealing with a very small and uncooperative child. “Do you still love Mum?” she pressed.

He looked at her. She was watching him carefully, almost as though she expected him to lie. He didn’t want to lie to her, though. He had only just come back into her life, and he didn’t want to start out their relationship by lying to her at every turn. He wondered if she had asked Rose this very question, what her answer had been. He wondered if Kira would tell him if she knew, or if she would keep her mother’s secrets.

He cleared his throat. “Yes,” he said, his voice still a little hoarse. “I do love her.”

Kira smiled. “Good,” she said.

He adjusted the setting on his sonic and fixed the frayed wires. “Why is that good?” he asked, intrigued now by her line of questioning.

Kira gave a little shrug, the beam of light bobbing as she moved. “It just is,” she said enigmatically.

He frowned at her as he pulled out another handful of wires. “What aren’t you telling me?” he asked.

Kira switched hands and aimed the light again. “I want you and Mum to get back together,” she said simply.

He almost dropped his sonic screwdriver, which would have been a very bad thing, considering he held it poised directly above his face. “What?” It was the only word he could think of.

She fixed him with that gaze again, the one that said she was much wiser than he was and knew it. “You love her and she loves you. I love both of you and both of you love me. We should all be together.” The words were simple, and they made perfect sense, or would if only things weren’t so complicated.

He thought about what she’d said. “Wait, what? Your mother said she loves me?” He felt his pulse racing with hope as he waiting for Kira to answer the question. He let go of the wires in his hands. He obviously wasn’t going to be able to get any work done until this conversation was over.

Kira nodded. “She’s still angry with you though. She said that you hurt her feelings when you left.”

He closed his eyes for a moment. So they had been talking. He wondered what else Rose had said, but he didn’t want to press Kira, lest she go home and tell Rose. He didn’t think Rose would take too kindly to him asking Kira those sorts of questions.

He reached over and lowered Kira’s hand that was holding her sonic. “Kira,” he started. “You know that I want you to be happy, right? That your mum and I both want you to be happy? That’s our main concern.”

She nodded. “I know that. Mum tells me all the time.”

“Good. It’s the truth.” He swallowed. “But the thing is, your mum and I can’t just get back together. I did something wrong, and she’s right, I hurt her. I’ve only seen her a couple of times since I’ve been back. If she ever does forgive me, it’s going to take a lot longer than that.”

“You could buy her flowers,” Kira suggested. “I saw that on telly one time.”

He had to fight to suppress a laugh. “Oh, Kira, I wish it was that easy.” And he really did. He wished that all it would take was a bouquet of flowers. Hell, he’d buy her every flower in the universe if he thought it would get Rose to forgive him.

Kira frowned, frustrated. “I think I’m angry at both of you,” she said.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said softly. “I want to make this better for you, Kira, I want to make you happy, but I just can’t fix it.”

“You won’t even try, though,” she said, exasperated. “Just try saying you’re sorry. Just say you love her.” A few tears worked their way out of her eyes.

He reached over and tugged on her hand, pulling her closer to him until he could wrap his arm around her. It was a difficult move in the small space, but he managed to get her head on his shoulder. “I know that I need to tell her those things,” he whispered into her hair. “I do know. I’m just scared.”

“Mum said you’re nine hundred.” She lifted her head up so she could see him. “How can you be that old and be afraid?”

He shrugged. “I just am. I’ve never loved anyone like I love your mum, like I love you.” He desperately needed to change the subject. For a six year old, she was awfully good at getting him to talk about the things he never talked about with anyone. “Why don’t we get this TARDIS fixed?” he said, infusing brightness into his tone. “I’ll take you to that market I was telling you about. They make the most amazing doughnuts you’ve ever had.”

She watched him for a moment, her eyes wide and solemn. He hated disappointing her, but he didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t know how to make things better with Rose, but he did know that it wouldn’t be nearly as simple as Kira thought it would.

“Doughnuts would be good,” she finally said, a small smile creeping over her lips.

He reached up and tweaked her nose. “Good girl, Kira Tyler. Now shine that light for me so we can get this ship fixed and get you some doughnuts. I’ll buy you as many as you can eat.”

Kira dutifully switched her sonic back on and he had the TARDIS fixed in no time. Then he took her to the other side of the universe and they sat with enough doughnuts between them to feed a small army, both of them laughing and pretending like they didn’t miss Rose.

~o~

The Doctor found his time between Sundays to be long and dull. The universe didn’t hold the same allure for him unless he was showing it to his daughter. He wanted desperately to keep jumping forward in her timeline so that he could see her sooner, but he knew that if he did that, she’d grow up in the blink of an eye for him.

It had been almost a month since he had come back into their lives. He and Kira had grown close, as thick as thieves even. He took her all over, making sure ahead of time that the planets were safe. Things with Rose, well, that was another story. She all but ignored him. He tried to talk to her, but he couldn’t get her to budge. She was polite with him, nothing he could fault her for, but she refused to really look at him, to say anything to him more than small talk. He’d hoped that things between them would get better with time, but it seemed they were only getting worse.

He always spent Saturdays pacing around the TARDIS, just waiting for Sunday, and when it was finally time, he could never hold back his excitement as he piloted the ship to their flat.

This Sunday was no different. He landed outside their building and made his way upstairs, taking the steps two at a time, trying to work off some of his energy. Kira met him at the door and flung herself into his arms. He swept her up into a fierce hug and pressed a quick kiss to her forehead.

“Hi,” he said.

She giggled. “Hi. I have a surprise for you. Can we wait a little bit before we go somewhere?”

He grinned at her. “Of course. Where is this surprise?”

Kira shook her finger at him. “It’s not done yet. You have to wait in my room until I’ve finished.”

“Where’s your mum?” he asked.

“She’s getting my stuff together. Said to tell you she’d be out in a minute.” Kira was practically bouncing she was so excited. He wondered what she had planned.

Just then, Rose emerged from Kira’s room, stuffing a jumper into Kira’s rucksack. She glanced up for a moment, her eyes skimming over him, just barely acknowledging his presence. “She has a project due tomorrow, so she needs to be back around five,” she said to the empty space directly to his right.

“Wait, Mum,” Kira said, stepping in front of Rose. “I have a surprise for you and Daddy.”

Rose shifted the rucksack to her other hand. “All right. What is it?” she asked warily.

“I can’t tell you yet,” Kira said with that enigmatic grin Rose used to use when she was flirting with him. “I haven’t finished. You have to wait. Daddy’s going to wait in my room, if you want to wait with him.”

Rose’s smile faltered for a second and her eyes widened. “Um, actually I’ve got some stuff to do in my room. Come and get me when you’re ready.” She set the rucksack down in the hallway and disappeared into her room.

He watched her leave then turned to Kira. She gave him a sad little smile, then shrugging, took his hand. “Come on,” she said, leading him to her room. “You can look over mine and Ben’s plans for the toaster while you wait.”

“Excellent,” he said, smiling down at her. She left him in her room, closing the door behind her as she extracted a promise from him that he wouldn’t try to peek.

He glanced around her room for a few moments, unsure of what to do. He’d been in there before, that night when he’d told her a bedtime story, and then after, when he wasn’t sure if he’d see her again. But he’d never been in there without her.

He wandered around, taking in the bright pink duvet that could’ve been the same one Rose had used back in Jackie’s flat all those years ago. She had a bookshelf crammed with books, and a little desk loaded down with bits and bobs of a dozen projects. It overflowed onto the floor and over into the corner. On the bedside table were two framed photographs: one of Kira and Jackie and one of Kira and Rose. He picked up the picture of Kira and Rose and studied it. Rose was holding Kira and they had their arms wrapped around each other; both were smiling brightly. He longed to be in that picture or to have been the one who’d taken it, to have been a part of their lives, to have them smiling like that for him.

He passed his finger over their faces one last time before setting the frame back on her bedside table. He took a seat on Kira’s bed and waited.

A little while later, Kira opened the door and beckoned him. “It’s ready,” she said with a shy grin.

“Brilliant,” he said, standing up and straightening his jacket. He left the room. Rose was in the hallway, too.

“Are you ready for your surprise?” Kira asked them, excited.

“Oh yes,” he said, smiling down at her and Rose gave a little nod.

Kira took his hand in one of hers and Rose’s in the other. “Follow me,” she said.

He glanced over at Rose. They weren’t actually touching, but still, it felt awkward.

She led them into the kitchen where she dropped their hands and turned to face them. “Here we are,” she said. “I made you a date.”

He looked to the table. She had set out two plates, each with a sandwich smeared messily with jam. There were two wine glasses filled with milk and a couple of mismatched candles, unlit.

Kira saw him glance toward the candles. “Mum says I can’t use matches yet. You’ll have to light them,” she said.

He glanced back at Rose again. He didn’t know what to do. She looked like she was about to cry. He knew this wasn’t what she wanted, but they couldn’t hurt Kira’s feelings after she’d gone to so much trouble. He sprang to action, whipping out his sonic and lighting the candles. Once he did that, Kira flicked off the kitchen light, although it was still daytime and sunny in the little dining area.

“There,” she said with a satisfied smile. “It’s perfect.” She watched them both expectantly.

Rose moved forward and bent to kiss her head. “It’s gorgeous, love. Thank you.”

“Yes, thanks,” he said. Once Rose had moved away, he leaned down to give her his own kiss. “I am starving and a jam sandwich is just the thing.”

Kira beamed up at them. “I’ll leave you alone then. So you can talk.” She gave them both a pointed look, then scampered off to her room.

The Doctor turned to Rose. He wasn’t sure what to say to her. He didn’t know what she wanted.

She gestured at the table, not meeting his eye. “I suppose we should eat. She went to an awful lot of trouble.”

He nodded and pulled a chair out for her. He ignored her puzzled stare as she sat down and as he sat down in the seat next to her. “She really is something,” he said.

Rose took a small bite of her jam sandwich. “I haven’t had one of these in ages,” she said, swallowing.

“Me either.” He took a large bite of his sandwich and washed it down with a gulp of milk.

Rose set her sandwich down. Their chairs were close together and her hand brushed against his. “I knew she was up to something this morning,” she said. “She had that glint in her eye, the one that you—“ Her voice cut off as she realised what she was saying. She looked down at her plate and fingered the crust of her bread.

“Rose,” he whispered, turning towards her. He wanted desperately to fix things with her. What they’d done two Sundays ago was a stupid mistake; he shouldn’t have let it go so far.

“We’re hurting her,” she said, still not looking at him. “She deserves the most wonderful life, and she’s not getting it. Instead, she gets this fucked up mess that we’ve made.” Tears fell from her eyes and he felt his hearts clench. He hated to see her like this.

“Rose,” he said her name again and put his hand over hers. “I’m sorry, love. I’m so, so sorry. I should have never left you. I got scared. And then I was afraid to come back.”

She cried harder, her hair falling down in front of her face. “I can’t,” she choked out. “I want to, but I can’t.”

“Can’t what?” he asked quietly, already knowing what she was going to say.

“Can’t forgive you,” she said, moving her hand out from under his. “I don’t even know what you want.”

Her words cut through him. He knew she was angry at him, and hurt, but he didn’t think that she wouldn’t be able to forgive him, eventually. “I want you,” he stated truthfully. He ignored her body language, moved toward her, and took her hands in his. “You and Kira. I want you to have me back.”

She didn’t pull away from him, but she cried harder. “I want to give her what she wants,” she said, gripping his hands. “I want her to be happy, but I just can’t.”

He let go of one of her hands to cup her chin, lifting her face until she was looking at him. “Why can’t you?” he asked.

She shook her head, taking in a deep breath. “I just...you left me.” She stuttered. He didn’t know if the words were too hard for her to say or if she just didn’t know what to say to him. “I was so scared, and I missed you. I didn’t know if you’d got lost or where you were.”

He wanted to pull her to him, but he didn’t. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I was just so afraid.”

She shook her head. “I just can’t. Not right now.”

He wanted to argue with her, but he didn’t know what he could say that would change her mind. He nodded resignedly. “I won’t push you,” he said quietly.

She let go of his hands and grabbed a napkin from the table, wiping her eyes. “Thanks,” she whispered. She took a tiny sip of her milk.

He looked back to his sandwich, taking another bite. It tasted dry and flat in his mouth, but he didn’t want Kira to come back and find he hadn’t eaten it.

He noticed that Rose, too, was picking at her sandwich. “I don’t think I can eat this,” she said. “But she’s going to be so upset if I don’t.”

“I’ll eat it,” he offered. He didn’t want her sandwich, but he could do this small thing for her. Maybe if he proved to her over and over again that he loved her and that he regretted what he did, she’d find a way to forgive him.

She gave him a half smile and pushed her plate towards him. “Thanks,” she said. She sniffed and wiped a few more tears from her eyes.

He heard footsteps approaching and both he and Rose turned to see Kira enter the kitchen.

Kira turned to Rose, her face hopeful. “Is Daddy going to come home now?”

He opened his mouth, not sure how to answer her, not wanting to let her down.

He saw Rose stiffen. “Not today, love,” she said quietly.

He’d never seen Kira angry, but it was like something came over her. Her jaw set and she fixed Rose with a glare. “Why not?” she asked.

Rose stood up and took a few steps toward her. “Because things can’t be fixed so easily, Kira. Remember what I told you the other night?”

Kira shook her head, refusing to listen to her. “But you love each other. You both told me. And if you love each other, then you have to be together.”

He watched as Rose closed her eyes for a couple of seconds, obviously trying to get herself under control. She bent down and took Kira’s hand in hers. “I’m sorry. Maybe you can see your dad more often, yeah?” she asked softly, placating.

Kira jerked her hand away from Rose’s and his hearts hurt for both of them. The two people he cared about most in the universe were unhappy and he couldn’t fix it.

“It’s not fair,” Kira said, moving away, her hands clenching into fists. “We’re supposed to be together as a family. I hate you.” She turned around and ran back to her room, the slam of her door echoing through the flat.

Rose stayed crouched on the floor, her head down and her shoulders shaking. He didn’t know what to do. They both were hurting, and he didn’t know how to make things better.

Rose got herself together and stood up. He took in her stricken look and the tears running down her cheeks and he just wanted to hold her, to do whatever he could to convince her to take him back.

“Rose,” he whispered, standing up to go to her.

She shook her head. “I need to go and talk to her.” She pressed her hand to her forehead. “That’s the second time that she’s said that to me.”

“Said what?” he asked, taking a few more steps toward her.

“That she hates me,” Rose whispered. “I know she doesn’t, that she’s just upset, but it still hurts.”

He reached out his hand, but she moved away.

“I have to fix this,” she said.

“Wait,” he said. “Let me try talking to her.”

Rose watched him for a moment, her eyes sad and hollow-looking. He saw all the fight go out of her as her posture slackened. “Okay,” she said quietly.

He nodded and squeezed her shoulder for a second before moving past her to go to Kira’s room. He made his way down the hall, then tapped lightly on the door.

“Go away.” Kira’s reply was muffled and he was pretty sure that she was crying.

He paused a second, then decided to go in. He was her father and it was time he started acting like it. He took a few steps into her room.

She was on her bed, curled on her side, face buried in her pillow. “I told you to go away,” she mumbled.

He sat down next to her on the bed. “Kira,” he said. “Sweetheart.”

She shook her head. “I’m angry, Daddy. Please leave me alone.”

He almost smiled at her words, but thought better of it. “Why don’t we talk about it?” he asked.

“I don’t want to talk,” she replied.

“How about I talk, then?” he said softly, putting his hand on her back. “You need to stop telling your mum that you hate her. Hate’s a strong word and it makes her sad when you say that.”

Kira looked up at him then, shocked and a little defiant. It seemed that she couldn’t believe that he was reprimanding her. He gave her a firm look, unrelenting. He had no experience with disciplining a child, and he hated doing it with Kira, but she couldn’t get away with hurting her mother like that.

She finally conceded, looking down, ashamed. “I didn’t mean to say it,” she mumbled. “I just got so mad. I’m sorry.”

He pulled her into his lap and kissed the top of her head. “You know I’m not the one you need to say that to.”

She nodded. “I’ll tell her.”

“Good,” he said. “You can tell her and me that you’re angry, just don’t say hurtful things.”

“Okay,” she said, playing with the button on his jacket.

“You really are set on your mum and me getting back together, aren’t you?” he asked gently.

She nodded. “I want it more than anything,” she said, tears filling her eyes.

He hugged her, holding her closely to his chest. “I know you do. I want it, too,” he said. “But you can’t get angry at your mum. She loves you so much and she hates to see you hurting like this. She doesn’t want to let you down.”

“Then why doesn’t she forgive you?” Kira asked accusingly.

He took a deep breath. He’d told Kira the truth, but maybe he hadn’t told her enough of it. Maybe he hadn’t explained it so that she understood the gravity of what he did. “When I left her, she and I were still in love. And then I disappeared, because I got scared. I left her here, and she didn’t know where I’d gone. I haven’t been back since then. Do you understand?”

She nodded.

He ran his fingers through her hair. “For seven years, your mum has been upset with me for doing that. It’s not like I broke something or said something nasty. What I did was much worse than that. So it’s going to take her a long time to forgive me.”

“But she loves you,” Kira protested, lifting her head from his chest so that she could look at him.

“Do you know what trust is, Kira?” he asked.

She shifted in his lap. “I think so. It means...” She wrinkled her nose as she thought. “I don’t know.”

He chuckled. “Trust means that you know someone won’t do anything to hurt you. Like when you trust that your mum will pick you up from school every day, you know that she’s going to be there, no matter what. Does that make sense?”

“Yes,” she said. “I trust Mum because she always does what she says she will do.”

“Exactly,” he said. “And you have to have that, for a relationship to work. Your mum trusted me, a long time ago. But when I left her, she stopped trusting me. The longer I was gone, the less she trusted me. I have to show her that she can trust me again.”

“And then you can get back together?” Kira asked, a little note of hope entering her voice.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I can’t make you any promises and neither can your mum.”

Kira frowned. “I don’t like not knowing.”

He tweaked her nose. “I know you don’t. But that’s the way it’s going to be. Life’s like that. Might as well get used to it.”

“Will you try to get her to forgive you?” Kira asked, tucking her head under his chin.

He pressed his nose into her hair and held her close. “Of course I’m going to try. I’m going to try my very best.”

Thirteen

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: "Grapevine Fires" Death Cab for Cutie

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

hazelwho.livejournal.com

Ooh, good chapter. Lots of the Things That Needed to be Said were said, and we got more of Kira being adorable and awesome and innocent. I'm so glad you had the Doctor go talk to Kira, I don't think Rose would ever be that honest with her about how badly he screwed up. Poor Rose, she must be feeling so bad to be the hold out on their Happily Ever After, but good for her for not forcing it because it's what other people want. I'll have to hold on to the hope that if she trusts him with her daughter's life, maybe someday she can trust him to love her.

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Miles to Go: Twelve

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