Fic Commentary: Miles to Go - Seventeen (Part I)

[wishiknewwho]

The lovely abbieelove  asked for this ages ago, and I am woefully late in getting it out. Enjoy!

Seventeen

 

And I have to face the truth 

that no one could ever look at me like you do

like I’m something worth holding on to

“You Can Do Better Than Me”

This is one of the lyrics that really stuck out to me. When I first heard this song, it reminded me so much of the Doctor. I wanted to wait until the perfect chapter to use it.

 

Rose didn’t know what to do with herself. It was a Friday night, she’d just gotten home from work, and she was all alone. Kira was spending the night over at Ben’s. Jackie was on a date. And she was home by herself with nothing to do.

Ever since the Doctor left her, Rose has clung to Kira. She has a hard time when she’s away from her, especially at times when she’s used to her being there.

 

She thought about going out and having dinner, but she didn’t want to be that person that all the other diners pitied. 

 

She flicked on the television but there was nothing on.

 

She tried to read, but the house was too quiet. She needed the sound of Kira moving around in her room to concentrate.

I know that after I’ve had my nieces and nephew staying with me for a while, my house always feels strangely quiet after they’ve gone. Of course, I usually enjoy it. ;-)

 

So, she did what she tended to do lately when she was by herself: she let her mind wander to him. It had been almost three weeks since the Sunday when she’d went with him to Perisus, when he’d apologised to her on the beach. She’d wanted so badly to accept his apology, to let him pull her into his arms, but she couldn’t. She’d forced herself to ask him to take them home. 

Rose is still so afraid of getting hurt. Mostly though, she is keeping herself away for Kira’s sake. She honestly thinks she might fall apart if he left again, and she can’t let that happen.

 

She was going to have to go with them again eventually; Kira would be disappointed if she didn’t. Every week that she looked up at her with those hopeful, pleading brown eyes, it hurt her a little more to say no.

Rose is keeping herself away because she doesn’t know how much longer she can keep saying no to him.

 

Still, she was too afraid. The more she was around him, the more she felt her resolve slipping. She knew that it wouldn’t take much more and she’d forgive him. But just the thought of him leaving again caused a wave of panic to rise up in her throat, threatening to choke her. She kept telling herself that she wasn’t affected by him anymore, but it was a lie and she knew it. 

And I say all of that in this paragraph. Oops, thought I was revealing something.

 

She wanted him. There was no getting around it. He’d ruined her for anyone else; no one could compare. It wasn’t just that he held the magic of the universe in the palm of his hand. She loved him. Their time together had been perfect, a whirlwind of adventure and sex and everything else that left her mind spinning. He set her heart racing and made her feel like she was coming home all at the same time. She would only have that with him.

Although it ends so sadly, I love to think of them together back before Rose got pregnant. I imagine things to be so sweet and fresh and loving between them. It was almost perfect, and Rose just cannot picture herself with another.

 

He’d told her that he wanted her back. Had promised her that he would keep coming, would refuse to give up on her, until she trusted him, until she let him back in. He hadn’t said much to her in the past three weeks, hadn’t brought it up, but he’d given her the winning smile that he knew made her weak. He was up to something, she just didn’t know what.

I think this is what Rose needs from him, this assurance that he’ll always be there. I think she actually likes that he refused to give up on her, even when she told him to.

 

She was torn. She wanted so badly to trust him again, and her resolve was weakening more and more. But she didn’t know what she would do if he left again. He left her without warning the last time; she wouldn’t put it past him to do it again. And if he took off, she’d have no way of tracking him down. 

This is her greatest fear. I also think she worries that if they get into a romantic relationship and things get too intense for him, he’ll run. She doesn’t want to do this to Kira.

 

She paced around the flat. Kira would be gone until Saturday afternoon, and then all day Sunday. She was going to drive herself crazy if she kept going on like this.

 

Her eyes landed on her handbag and she thought of the mobile he’d given her a few weeks ago. He’d promised her that he’d come when she called, no matter what. She wondered if he really would. There was only one way to find out.

This idea was proposed by salimali very early in the writing of this story. It was a stroke of genius.

 

Before she could talk herself out of it, she fished the mobile out of her bag and called him. She held her breath while it rang once, twice, three times, until he picked up.

 

“Rose?” he asked, sounding out of breath and far away, his voice worried. “Are you okay?”

This is the first time she’s called him...naturally he would think something is wrong.

 

She tried to speak, but couldn’t. She cleared her throat and tried again. “We’re fine. I just...could you come?” She wasn’t sure if he would understand what he was asking for, but he did.

Rose just had that moment where you work up the nerve to call someone, then realise you didn’t plan out what to say.

 

“Of course,” he responded. “I’ll be right there.”

 

She hung up and put the phone back in her bag. She stood waiting, wondering how long it would take him. She was just about to take a seat on the sofa when she glanced out the window and saw the TARDIS landing. She watched as he came out and then walked briskly toward their building. His mouth was set in a worried frown.

 

She paced nervously in the hallway, her heels making soft clicks with every step. Moments later, he was knocking on the door. She tried to ignore the fluttering of her heart as she opened it.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, looking her up and down, checking to make sure that she wasn’t hurt. “Where’s Kira?”

 

She stepped back so that he could come inside. “Kira’s at Ben’s. She’s fine. We’re both fine.”

 

He followed her into the living. “Then why did you call?” he asked. He wasn’t angry, but he looked confused.

 

She didn’t really have a good reason for calling him. She was lonely and couldn’t stand being by herself in the quiet flat, but she couldn’t say that to him. It would give away too much. “I wanted to see if you’d really come,” she said, settling for something that was at least partially true.

Rose doesn’t mean to be so callous here. She just doesn’t feel ready to tell him that she was lonely and missing him.

 

“What?” he asked, his mouth falling open a little. “You mean there’s nothing wrong? You scared me half to death just to test me?”

I think he does have a right to his anger here. 

 

She didn’t say anything, just watched him. She hadn’t meant to frighten him, she only wanted to see if he’d do what he said he’d do.

 

“Are you not going to say anything?” he asked, pacing across the small room.

 

She shrugged. “I didn’t mean to make you worry,” she said quietly. This wasn’t going quite how she wanted it to, but then, she didn’t know what she wanted. Part of her wanted to have it out with him, to have a screaming row and get some of the tension out. Another part of her wanted to cry and beg him never to leave them again.

This has been a big issue for Rose over the course of the entire story. She keeps pushing him away, but she’s always a little vague about it. She never comes right out and tells him that he needs to leave and she never wants to see him again. She doesn’t know what she wants from him.

 

“Well you did, Rose,” he bit out. “Didn’t you think when you called me like that it would scare me? I thought something had happened.”

 

“I told you that we were fine,” she offered, but it was weak. She’d wanted to see if he’d come if she needed him, and that was that.

 

“You knew exactly what you were doing,” he said, his eyes flashing as he took a few steps toward her, causing her to take a step back.

I think Rose is a little surprised by his anger. She expects him to let her get away with things because of what he did. And while he does this sometimes, he knows they need to get themselves on equal footing if they are to have a lasting relationship.

 

“It’s not like you’ve given me a reason to trust you,” she spat out.

 

“Oh of course not,” he said, pushing his hands forcefully through his hair. “It’s not like I’ve shown up, week after week, just when I said I would.”

He knows this is a weak argument, but he is frustrated because he has been trying so hard and nothing has worked.

 

Her hands clenched into fists and she advanced on him. “You think that’s enough?” she raged. “You left me. I was pregnant and scared out of mind and you were nowhere to be found.”

 

“I came back, didn’t I?” he asked, raising his voice a little, frustrated. “I’ve been here, Rose, telling you what I want, trying to apologize, and you refuse to listen.”

 

She rounded on him. “Maybe because I’m sorry isn’t enough this time, Doctor,” she said. “It wasn’t an accident, you intentionally left me. You let your fears get in the way and reacted without even talking to me, just like you always do.”

I am, of course, referring to the way the Doctor always thinks he knows what’s right, and acts without consulting anyone else. At times, I think he pushes Rose away before she can hurt him.

 

“I was doing what I thought was right,” he exclaimed, putting his hands in the air. “You must understand that I didn’t want to leave you. I didn’t want to put you and the baby in danger. I gave you up to keep you safe.”

This is somewhat true. He was also terrified about what it would mean to be a father and wasn’t sure he would be a good one. And, he was scared about the level of commitment this would require, both to the baby and Rose. This is not the fic where he works through those issues, though.

 

She closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath and trying not to cry. If she cried now, she’d give in. She knew that had been the reason he’d left, but it was so infuriating that he always made decisions for them, like he knew what was best. Once she had herself together, she opened her eyes again. “That wasn’t what I needed. I needed you with me,” she said. “Why can’t you ever understand that?”

 

“You don’t understand,” he retorted. “I’m responsible for the whole universe, Rose. You have no idea what that’s like. I can’t always put myself first.”

We never see the Doctor put himself first. And universe or no, he deserves that every now and then.

 

“You never put yourself first.” She brushed her hair back from her face. “And what about Kira? What about me? Where do we fit into the universe?” She fought to keep the quiver out of her voice. She was afraid of his answer, afraid that he would always choose the universe over her. Part of her knew that was the way it had to be, that as the last of the Time Lords, it was his duty, but just once, she wanted him to put them first.

 

“You’re the most important things in the universe to me,” he said, letting his voice drop. “You always are, you and Kira. No matter what I do, you’re at the front of my mind.”

This is a big admission for the Doctor. I think it’s one that he needs to make.

 

“Then how could you leave?” she asked, ignoring the broken tone to her voice. “How could you live without me, if I mean that much to you?”

A valid question.

 

He took a small step towards her. “I hated it, but I thought it was the right thing to do. Then I realised that you and Kira are just as safe with me as you are here.”

 

“We’re safer,” she said. She felt a rush of emotions swirling around inside of her. She was still so angry with him, but there was hurt and confusion and love mixed in there too. She didn’t know what to do. She knew he didn’t leave because he didn’t care about her, but it helped to hear him say it.

Just as Jackie told the Doctor, Rose did need to hear him say this. Otherwise, it was going to linger in the back of her mind forever. She needs to know that he didn’t leave because he found her lacking in any way.

 

“When you called me today, I felt my hearts stop,” he said quietly, all anger gone from his voice. “I worry about the two of you, all the time. Just the thought of either of you in danger...” His voice broke off.

This dialogue was so clear to me. I could just hear him saying this.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said, biting her lip. 

 

He brushed off her apology. “It’s okay. I understand why you did it.”

 

She nodded and took a step closer to him. “It wasn’t fair of me to worry you, though.”

 

“It’s forgotten,” he said. “I’m sorry for what I did to you. I know it doesn’t mean much, but I am so sorry.”

 

She shook her head. “I am trying to forgive you,” she said. “It’s what I want. But I can’t let go of what you did.”

 

“Then you can’t keep leading me on,” he whispered fiercely. “I keep thinking I’ve got a chance with you, only to have you shoot me down over and over again.” He looked so miserable standing there before her, his shoulders slumped and his head down. His eyes were dark and full of sorrow.

I was torn about this. Doesn’t Rose have a right to take as long as she needs, to be fickle with him? Wasn’t what he did to her so much worse? At the same time, I still felt it was unfair for her to keep hurting him like this. I dunno, really.

 

“And what about what you did to me?” she asked. “Do you realise at all what it’s been like for me? Raising Kira on my own, having to go on without you. You have no idea how much that hurt.”

Oh that’s right...Rose justifies her actions. *laughs* How quickly I forget what I write.

 

“What do you want me to do, Rose?” he asked. “Do you want me to leave you alone? Give up and let you get on with your life? I’ll just pick up Kira on Sundays and never say another word to you, if that’s what you want.”

He doesn’t want to do this at all, but he’s hurting and is willing to give her what she wants, just to end both of their pain.

 

“That’s not what I want,” she said, running her hands down the front of her skirt and biting her lip, frustrated.

 

“Then what do you want?” he asked, his voice just as frustrated as hers.

 

“I don’t know.” She closed her eyes for a moment. It was almost too much, fighting with him. She felt drained. “I don’t know what I want.”

 

“Dammit, Rose,” he said, moving towards her. “I’ll wait forever if you give me some hope, but you won’t give me anything.”

 

“What do you want from me?” she countered, turning to face him.

 

“You know exactly what I want,” he answered.

 

“I need to hear you say it,” she said.

She thinks that perhaps by him saying exactly what he wants, she can believe him.

 

He scuffed the toe of his trainer against the carpet. “I want to be with you and Kira. Every day, not just once a week. In this flat, or in the TARDIS, I don’t care. I want to be Kira’s father, and I want to be your lover.  I want to do what I should’ve been doing for the last seven years.”

Go on to Part Two

Comments

[abbieelove.livejournal.com]

YAY! I loved this one :D:D:D

Although it ends so sadly, I love to think of them together back before Rose got pregnant. I imagine things to be so sweet and fresh and loving between them. It was almost perfect, and Rose just cannot picture herself with another. I imagine it like that too, whenever you mention it you paint it like everything was perfect and lovely :)

This idea was proposed by salimali very early in the writing of this story. It was a stroke of genius. It's funny actually, just as I was about to read the story I thought to myself, I wonder if the phones the Doctor left Kira and Rose will get used soon. I must be psychic :D

Rose doesn’t mean to be so callous here. She just doesn’t feel ready to tell him that she was lonely and missing him. I think she has the right to see if he would really come, maybe she could have been a bit clearer on the phone, but she does need to know that she can trust him again.

I think he does have a right to his anger here. I can see his point, Rose was a bit unclear on the phone but surely he must understand how Rose is feeling...

She keeps pushing him away, but she’s always a little vague about it. She never comes right out and tells him that he needs to leave and she never wants to see him again. She doesn’t know what she wants from him. I think that's what leads the Doctor on a lot, that Rose isn't clear about what she wants with him...

I think Rose is a little surprised by his anger. She expects him to let her get away with things because of what he did. And while he does this sometimes, he knows they need to get themselves on equal footing if they are to have a lasting relationship. I was a little surprised by his anger too, he has been very sweet to her about everything to try and get her to forgive him.

I was torn about this. Doesn’t Rose have a right to take as long as she needs, to be fickle with him? Wasn’t what he did to her so much worse? At the same time, I still felt it was unfair for her to keep hurting him like this. I dunno, really. I thought you wrote both sides of the argument excellently so that readers could understand how both Rose and the Doctor were feeling.

Thank you!!! :)

[wishiknewwho.livejournal.com]

You're very welcome. I'm sorry this took so long to get to you. I'm glad you liked my comments. I always feel a little silly when I'm writing them, like you guys might think I'm a little crazy. :D